What is happening?!

Hi guys!

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve last wrote on here. I haven’t had the time to sit down and compose a well thought out blog. Surgery for my knee is set for next month if all things fall into place and everything looks good. I’m both excited and nervous, but trying my best to not get further stressed with the coronavirus or should I say covid-19?

So, we are all being told to stay indoors to stop the spread of the virus. You would THINK after all the virus, zombie, monsters & alien invasion movies we all love (hello “Independence Day & War of the Worlds” two of my favorites) that we’d be prepared for such global catastrophic events, but we’re not. Instead we see people going out buying toilet paper and hoarding them. Why? This isn’t a diarrhea type of disease. Doesn’t make sense. I’ve been sitting here analyzing society as a whole and how we deal with things. This is new and something we haven’t experienced at this level. Thankfully, we have technology that allows us to communicate instantly. Imagine how people in towns 30 or 40 years ago would be able to deal with this? People in the past were just as panicked as we are today in the year 2020. Can you imagine someone from this year talking to someone in NYC in the year 1832 when cholera brought the city to a standstill? Same panic albeit we have technology now, which has pros and cons about it. What have we learned? Have we improved our way of dealings with this? I’m not taking this subject lightly as I have asthma and am concerned as I want to be healthy for my surgery. However, the more I think about situations that run around in my head that haven’t happened or will probably never happen, I have learned to control those thoughts. This crisis is not just a physical situation, but also an emotional, mental and financial state of affairs for everyone. I feel like we’ll be going through another phase of panic of financial sorts when people can’t buy food due to not being able to work. Hopefully we won’t reach that point where it will become complete lawlessness.

I like to self motivate myself when I get stressed and I found this lovely video a few days ago. It deals with depression (I don’t have depression) and anxiety. I hope you find it useful! I know I definitely benefited from the counting backwards from 5 for anxiety. It worked for me and will continue to use it.

Credit: Motivation2Study

On a positive note, I have seen compassion and humanity though the mess of greediness and selfishness of society. I love hearing stories of people helping others. Like my favorite quote says, “Where there is life, there is hope“.

Credit: GuardianNews

We do need to find humor though! We need to laugh, we need to smile.

I’ll be jumping back on WordPress soon. I don’t know when, hopefully when everything has settled down and post surgery. Thank you to my readers and stay strong! A huge welcome to my newest subscribers! Where ever you are, be safe and take care of yourself!

Much love. xoxo

What kind of person are you attracting?

Hey everyone!

How’s everyone been? So yesterday I was going through my feed on YouTube of recommended videos and I came across something that really opened my eyes.

I usually don’t watch dating videos, but I thought, why not?

I was pleasantly surprised of what I discovered! It now all makes sense why certain past relationships ended badly and others ended amicably. You will discover that there are woundmates & soulmates that you will encounter in life. I must admit, after watching this video, I was a woundmate. I also had relationships with guys who were woundmates as well, which now makes total sense of why it was just drama with them. My last real relationship was 5 years ago, that’s when we broke up on May 2014. We had a 5 year long distance relationship. He was a woundmate and I was in the process of becoming my own soulmate.

I’m now my own soulmate and I now completely understand the differences of wanting to be with someone and the need to be with someone. Once you feel whole within yourself, it becomes easier to choose others who are whole themselves and avoid a disastrous relationship. The older you get, you just want to be happy with yourself, your partner and in general. You don’t want to deal with drama. Relationships aren’t perfect, but this does give a clearer understanding of how to identify a woundmate and why things are going the way they are in your relationship or marriage.

This also will make it quite clear why your partner and yourself are having the easiest relationship you’ve ever had and why the communication is better than you’ve had with anyone else. Congratulations, you’ve met another soulmate.

Here I am summarizing what I learned from the video.

Here is the video explaining in detail the difference between a woundmate & a soulmate.

Credit: Mark Rosenfeld

Day 25. March Blog Challenge 🤖

What were your favorite childhood toys and shows growing up?

Hi there buttercups!

I’ve been super busy doing things. One of them is organizing about 3,000 photos online in categories so it’s easier to make videos and things like that. Plus, I have 7 USBs I had to go through. This has taken me hours as I’m also uploading them on Onedrive. Ok, so I was going to post pictures of my favorite toys growing up, but I thought it would be easier to show commercials of them instead. Walking down memory lane my loves! Right this way!

Cabbage Patch Kids!

I was a little late to the game in regards to owning one, but I did finally get one as a present.

Credit: AnainCA

Slip’n Slide

This was a lot of fun! Good times!

Credit:RetroStatic

Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

Don’t the first few notes of the intro make you feel like a little kid again? You’re suddenly transported to a time in your life where you felt special, even though the man talking to you in that soft spoken voice was in the tv? I really enjoyed his shows. I especially loved the adorable red trolley and King Friday and his court. There was always drama with them! Isn’t it amazing how shows influence your interest as you get older? I still love trains & trolleys to this day & I follow the royal family in England too.

Credit: Christian Michael Corenza

Reading Rainbow

Such a great show! Those days reminded me of the book catalog where you could buy books from. I used to love the magazine for kids called Highlights because they had poetry and drawings of kids from all over the country. I believe this was where my love of poetry stems from.

Credit: Hilbenhousen Industries

My Little Pony

Well, my pony was raised in the tropics! I would braid my pony’s tail and make makeshift boats for my pony to ride in. It rained heavily everyday in Brazil so there were always little streams my pony would sail on or if I was feeling especially adventurous, we’d play in mud. I would make sand castles on the beach for my pony and we’d go swimming together in the ocean & pool.

Credit: 80sCommercialsForever

Snoopy Snowcone Machine

Snoopy is the original gansta, the G. What kid doesn’t love snow cones? I never stopped & when my son was old enough to work the machine on his own, I got one! It’s in storage in New Jersey I believe. We would have a lot of fun making our own snowcones. I’m such a hipster mom!

Credit: Steve Betancourt

Scooby Doo

I was mesmerized by this show! The show was funny, but there were still some parts that scared me! It wasn’t too horrifically scary, but just enough to watch it with a blanket near my chin ready to hide under for the scary parts. Maybe the show was preparing me for when I’d actually end up living in several haunted homes! Surprisingly, my son & I watch horror movies and laugh throughout the movie! We’ve had so many ghostly experiences we shake our heads & think that’s not what happens! My son grew up watching Scooby Doo & wanted shirts with Scooby Doo on them.

Credit: TITRO99

80’s tv toy, cereal commercials

I will leave these commercials as a walk down memory lane. Maybe you’ll see something on this video which will make you say, “Oh yeah! I remember playing with that!”

Credit: 80sCommercialVault

xoxo 🤖

Goodbye 2018!

Here’s to all of you who fought the good fight in 2018, didn’t give up and came out victorious! Gather around guys.

Hey, hey my friends!

I’m sitting here on a Sunday night, listening to “live” music on YouTube of Bossa Nova Jazz because it make me feel like a grown up. Just kidding. I love jazz and especially Bossa Nova because your girl is a true Brazilian girl. Anyways, so I decided to give my two cents of my humble thoughts of this year and how it impacted me and how it will impact going into 2019.

I didn’t write too much this year because I had a lot going on and I’m still without a good video software that I like to edit any videos. I love making videos to post on my blog and also my job took a lot of my time, especially after I came home. Towards the end of the day, I basically konked out on my bed and fell asleep after making dinner. I just could not devote enough time to this blog. I felt bad, but I still love ya WordPress. You’re my first love.

So if you have read my blogs this year, you’ll know I had to deal with some serious issues like going to New Jersey to testify for a crime committed on me many years ago. It was a cold case that was reopened and I was the main witness. Emotionally, this year, at least the beginning was mostly me prepping emotionally to do something very hard and come face to face in court with this perpetrator. My emotions were mixed. I survived the ordeal and discovered I am a strong person and that I don’t give myself a lot of credit for a lot of things. I have confidence, it’s just giving myself due credit where it should be given. I don’t know if self-worth goes hand in hand with it.

I was able to continue going to work and doing well at it. In fact, I got “EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH” this past September. I felt honored and appreciated. My supervisor is amazing and has really been the kindness boss I’ve ever had. I’m really going to miss her.

But unfortunately, my knee issues was getting worse. I was getting injections in my lower back to help relieve some of the pain and numbness, but it only helped for a few days. Then I got an injection in my knee and it only helped for a week. This is only being done until I get to see a Orthopedist in a few months who will then actually “fix’ my knee issue. The pain management is all just basically a “band-aid” to help with the pain. I had to leave my job due to it affecting my driving and my job being 90 percent driving. My boss and friends all told me to just take care of my knee issue and make it a priority. It has been difficult since I’m an extremely independent and carefree person who is used to just getting up and going somewhere at free will. Now, it’s been harder. But it is what it is. I must relax my knee and stay put. Through all this, I’ve done my best to stay positive and see the brighter things about it. Which, I must admit has been very hard. Some days it’s very hard to walk because every step is painful when I put pressure on my knee as I walk. the waiting game is hard. I’m a bit impatient because it’s like I have things to do, places to see and places to explore, so this has been a bit of a damper to my spirit. I do have help and I’m glad I have friends who have come to my rescue.

I got a bit of a shock in early November. Initially, I had gotten a letter in August stating the perpetrator was going to stay in jail until next year and I was so relieved. However, due to him being in jail during the investigation and trial for two years, he maxed out. I got a letter stating he was coming out Dec. 4th. I was devastated and scared. I was mad and confused as to how he was able to come out a lot earlier. I focused on mostly my knee issues and I forgot to be scared like I had been thinking he’d try to hunt me down and do something, especially now where I feel so vulnerable and like a sitting duck. It’s the end of the year and nothing has happened and I’m safe. I will, however, buy one of those doorbell cameras that detects motion whenever someone comes near your door. It alerts your phone and you can see who is at your door or who was at your door when you’re not at home. I’m trying to not focus on my fears of what may happen and live my life and not have him on my mind. I hate living in fear and knowing he’s out can cause that. As it would any victim.

Not much else happened.

For the next year, 2019, I will be healing myself physically. This year was healing my mind, my emotions due to having to remember the past and telling complete strangers about it in court. It’s easy for me to write things such as my blog to you all because you’re part of my blogging journey, but to sit up there and tell very hurtful details of the crime to the jury was hard and opening up about such things was hard. I’m going to work on not worrying so much about the future.

This year I want to connect with a painter I admire. Not in a romantic way, but in a way saying how much I admire his artwork and ask if we could become bestfriends tell him about my life in Brazil. i just think it’s pretty unique he comes from a completely different world from mine and we are so opposite in our childhood upbringing, but we still have a lot in common with art, interest in nature and space. It’s like meeting your favorite author, or singer…. mine just happens to be a painter living in France out in the country. I think a nice letter, some photographs I’ve taken of Colorado and a Colorado shirt would make a nice gift to send him. I should throw in some Rocky Mountain Chocolates. I’ll keep you guys updated on this. I could also just say hello on messenger since he is on my friends list on his personal FB page. He has a public FB too, but I am one of the few on his personal FB page. I’m old fashioned, so a nice letter and a package will suffice for now. When a blogger connects with her favorite artist in France. Sounds like an adventure even Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex in the City) would want to read about.

I’m feeling positive of the next year. I truly am. My son will be going to college in 2020 instead of 2019, so he’ll be still around to help me out and go on adventures with me. He’ll also be driving in a few months, so that makes me anxious, but I trust him. I know he’ll be a great driver. The thought of how much longer we’ll stay in Colorado continues to haunt me. I love upstate New York and would readily retire there, but who knows. Life has a funny way of changing things around. A few days ago, I asked my son, “What would you think if we just moved to China for a year or six months while I taught English as a second language?”. He just smiled and nodded. I’ve always wanted my son to live overseas to experience life, but he’s already been to 6 different countries, so he has some handle of what life is like in other countries.

Thank you for sticking by me this year. Thank you and welcome to my new subscribers! At one point, I thought this will be my final and last blog ever on WordPress, but not this year. I’m not finished yet. Maybe I never will. I’ll be home warm and watching the ball drop in New York City on tv as my son will be with his friends watching fireworks here. What are your plans?

This has gotten too long, but that’s just an update. Here’s to the New Year folks. I’ll do my best to write more and post blogs of weird and strange places like I used to. See you next year!!

xoxo

Finding Fukue: “I want to find you”

Hello my dear friends,

As the first day of December presents itself to us, we usually find ourselves thinking of our loved ones as Christmas brings together our loved ones. We think of our loved ones who are still here and those who have passed on. Then there are the ones who continue to think about those loved ones who somehow disappeared from our lives. Those loved ones who made such a difference in our young lives or a huge difference in a short amount of time. For some reason or another, those loved ones somehow disappeared from our lives leaving us confused, sad and missing them a lot. Do you have anyone who you still think about? I do. I have a few people in mind. I think of my friend Amy. I’ve tried to find her on Facebook using two of her last names. She got married twice. I’m hoping she still lives in New Jersey as I lost touch with her when my son was around 2 years old, but we certainly had a kindred spirit and we had a lot in common. Unfortunately, she got into drugs and made bad choices in life as she didn’t choose the best boyfriends or husbands in her early 20’s. I could have sworn I saw her one day taking a smoke break at a corner with her coworker. She looked skinnier, had shallow cheeks and looked worn down. I should have stopped. I just wasn’t sure it was her and I continued driving. My search continues and always will for her. However, I will make an effort to get in contact with my friends who I haven’t been in touch with more starting this month and the year approaching. I want to be more in contact with them then I have been before.

Here’s to all you who are still searching for people of your past. May your search bring you peace, happiness and a connection that has been missing in your great big journey in life. It’s amazing how having a little piece of your past heal and close a gaping hole of uncertainty.

Enjoy this beautiful story. I know I cried when I watched it, it was so beautiful, sentimental and I was cheering for her to find her kindred spirit.

Video credit: CBC Docs

This post is dedicated to my old childhood friends, Martin (who lives in Switzerland with his lovely wife and kids), David my bestfriend from Brazil who is the namesake of my son’s middle name (who lives in the UK with his beautiful wife and kids), Andrea, Misty and Joe (another childhood friend who I plan to reconnect with soon, our mothers were bestfriends).

Why does he keep showing up? His name is…


Photo credit: Google

I’ve been sitting on my couch staring out into the wilderness outside imagining what life must’ve been like when Colorado was being explored by pioneers. The trees are slowly and gently changing colors and it’s as if nature is showcasing it’s last scene before the curtain call. The sounds of birds are heard as they chirp happily whilst flying around and dodging the colored leaves that fall to their fate to the splendor of the ground; its final resting place.

I go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea and once again curl up on the couch looking outside. It is quiet. Too quiet. My teacup is surrounded by both hands as I blow to cool the steaming tea. Autumn is here once again and I love it. Nothing beats wearing warm fuzzy socks, hair up in a messy bun and curled up on the couch.

I hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why now? Do people not ring doorbells anymore? Or call? I’m scared. I don’t like strangers coming to my door. I put my cup of tea down and tip toe to my window. Socks or not, I feel stealth as if a jaguar hunting its prey. I look out my window briefly to see who it is. I quickly retreat back after I see who it is. I release a long sigh. Him again?

I open the door.

“Hey” he says.
“Hey” is all I can reply with a downcast look on my face.
“Can I come in?”
“I guess so. Why are you here? You seem to show up when I really don’t want you to show up. This isn’t a good time.”
“I just came to see how you were doing…”
“You know perfectly well how I’m doing, this is exactly why you’re here. But come on in. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you have coffee? I like mine black”, he says as he walks around and takes in everything in my home. I’m secretly hoping this isn’t a long visit. I’m already plotting to see how I can get rid of him. He’s annoying af.
“So, where’s your friend? You guys are always hanging out together.”
“Oh him? He almost came, but I felt like I’d come instead…alone.”
“Good”, I replied. His friend is more annoying and both of them together is a nightmare.

Too lazy to really heat up a pot of fresh water, I instead took out a cup from the cupboard and put tap water in it. I put it in the microwave to heat up for 2 minutes. After making small talk with my visitor, I added instant coffee and handed it to him. We both walked to the living room and sat down. He looked across the room at me which felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was totally relaxed or just waiting to see what I would say next. I can play that game too.

I look at him for a long time without saying anything. We both know what each other is thinking. I break the silence.

“I’ve been going through a lot. I have a lot on my plate right now. ”

“I know”, he says as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Wait, are you reading my tweets on Twitter?” I ask innocently. Of course, he’s reading my tweets.

“Ok, ok. You got me. I do read your tweets. That’s why I’m here. To see how you really are. ”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I have to deal with you. You and I know what’s going on between us. How are we going to deal with this? I told you I don’t want you in my life, but you keep showing up. This month has been bad too. Especially the past 2 weeks. ”

“Geez. What about me don’t you like?”

“Are you serious?”, I sarcastically ask. “I don’t like how you make me feel. You make me feel confused. You’re the reason I stay up late at night. You’re the reason why I want to be left alone to think things over…and over.  There’s going to be a lot of life changes in the coming year and you’re not making it any easier.”

“I know what you need. You need a plan. Maybe that will help?”

“That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m thinking of my backup plans. With my knee in pain, I’m not sure if my current job is a good fit anymore. Maybe I should stick to an office type of job. I have to start looking for another apt when my lease ends in December. Do I buy a home here in Colorado or move out of State after 4 years?”

“I’m sorry”, he quietly says. “I know I’ve been coming around a lot lately, but this is the first time you’ve let me in to actually talk to you.”

“I just don’t know how to deal with you sometimes. You’ll always be a part of my life and I knew especially this year, you’d come around a lot.”

“Listen, all I can say is ask advice from people who are much older than you. Wiser, if you will. See what they have to say.” He gets up to walk towards the window and stares out into the courtyard taking the last sips of his coffee. After a minute, he turns around and puts his coffee cup down on the table.

“Do you mind if I come back again Thursday?” he softly asks.

“Yeah, I actually do mind. I’ll be busy and I have a doctor’s appointment that day. I really, really don’t want any visitors, especially you. I just want to come home and rest and go from there.” It feels good to say that to him. He’s heard this many times before and sometimes he listens, other times he comes anyways.

I walk him to the door. We don’t hug. There are no cheek kisses either. I feel the chill in the air and admire the blue sky above. He turns around and walks away and disappears around the corner.

His name is “uncertainty”.

He’s not a real person, of course. He’s a feeling. The feeling of uncertainty.

Sometimes we all need to train our minds to keep out negative thoughts or as in this case, we need to deal with it and find out the reason why these feelings come often. To replace or do something that will help with feelings of uncertainty is a process. Everyone wants consistency and when life throws a fast one on you, it can make you feel unbalanced and a bit stressed.

 

Worries and back pain…

Dear friends,

I’m still alive! Nice to see you all. Even my new subscribers. I see you and welcome. Thanks for following even though there’s cobwebs on my last post. I need to come here more often. Which brings me to ask you guys about something. One of the things that has stopped me from posting as much as I want is that I need to find an easy but very good video editing software. I used to use “Movie maker” and I loved it. Then the big bosses decided to not include them in new laptops. I used to edit all my videos on there because it was easy to snip, edit and do all kinds of things on Movie maker. I know there is a new version of it, but it’s really weird. I’m looking for a video editing software that is easy to use. I want to post it on my Vimeo channel because the clarity is better. I miss making videos and want to practice camera angles and sweeping cinematic scenes with my camera. Editing takes forever, but I can always make time because it’s relaxing in a strange way. Please let me know on the comment area below. I’m curious to know what you guys use.

My son is finishing up his first week of being a Senior. He’s very involved in several clubs and is a Link Crew member. Link Crew members are handpicked students who are mentors for Freshmen that year. My son had to apply and answer some questions of why he should be a Link Crew member. There are 500 Freshmen this year at his school! His school is huge and I remember his first day as a Freshman. I am entering a phase of life that many parents of Seniors are at. This is my only child and it’s all new to me and a bit emotional too. Have I really come to the end of my child’s school years? I made it this far… on my own. As a single mom. Soon before December, I’ll be filling out Financial Aid forms and talking more about colleges. 4 years flew by fast. We came to Colorado in the middle of his 8th grade year. There are going to be so many milestones this year, it’s almost dizzying to my mind. Getting his driver’s permit is happening one of these weekends and soon I’ll be teaching him how to drive. One minute I’m looking into my newborn’s little pink face only a few hours old and I’m telling him I’m going to raise him as best as I can and the next here I am suddenly a mother of a Senior boy. In my mind I’m already making a list of things he’ll need for college and how his room will be the coolest dorm room ever.

Lately, I’ve had back issues. I had an xray 3 weeks ago and my doctor said it looked normal, just the usual wear and tear as we age. However, he did look up at me and said, “I did find something odd though.” Huh. Wut. Really? Now??? Sigh. I had a long day and I was tired. Please don’t tell me I’m morphing into some wild creature. He continued to say that he found that my bone density was above average. He said usually bone density gets weaker and thinner, but mine was above average and asked if I was eating a lot of veggies and fruits. I confessed, I wasn’t… BUT. I am taking my vitamins! Especially my Vitamin D gummy ones. He said to take one instead of two. That was positive news. It was just weird how he got all dramatic and suspenseful about my bone density. I am getting an MRI next week to see more details of why my lower right back hurts which is affecting my foot and leg. It’s not sciatica which I had last year and got taken care of after 4 months of physical therapy. Wish me luck. I just want something to improve it because I’m starting to get worried. And I tend to worry a lot. I hate worrying and need to find things to occupy my mind before it gets out of hand and I end up in a panic attack. Lol.

I’ll be back. Let me know what editing software you guys use. I just need ideas and reviews of editing software so I can continue making videos and posting them on here.

Later love bugs! xoxo

This song is so dreamy. I listen to it when I’m getting for work and when I’m driving back home as I decompress. This song is so calming to the ears and I love the vibe.

The phone call from the past that turned my life upside down. PART 1


Photo credit: Google

Dear friends,

I’m not sure how to write these blog posts, but they must be done because you all here on WordPress know me better than any other social media subscribers or followers. WordPress is my happy place and it is here where I feel safe with my words & have cohesive thoughts. What I’m about to write happened and has consumed most of my life the past 2 years. I want this to be more of a post of encouragement and I want you all not to feel sorry for me, but rather celebrate that I am a survivor and to encourage those who are going through the same thing.

I remember like it was yesterday. I was at my former job during the summer of 2016 with my coworkers at a park and all our clients. My phone rang, but I ignored it as I didn’t know who from New Jersey would be calling me. I later listened to the message when I had finished work. The message was from a detective who needed me to call him back immediately. He gave me no reason. By this time, it was late in NJ and I was able to leave a message stating I had gotten the message and that I was returning the phone call. I didn’t hear back from the detective for 2 days. During those 2 days, I was going through my mind of what and why a NJ detective would be calling me. Was it concerning a former client I had in NJ? Was it a relative?

Two days later the detective called me. He told me why he was calling. I remember exactly where I was once again and I had clients. I was able to step outside as my coworkers took over. One piece of advice, when it concerns serious phone calls, make sure you can talk to that person after work or set up a time and place where you can handle the news. I didn’t do that. The detective told me good news, but it also flooded my mind with terrible memories. My mind was of mixed emotions. He said, “We got a hit.” I asked what he meant by that. He said that the perpetrator who assaulted me 17 years ago was finally identified from a DNA mouth swab as he came out of jail which matched the sexual assault kit DNA procedure I had to do at the hospital the night of the attack. My mind was numb and after speaking to the detective I turned back to look at my clients who were happily eating their lunch. My life was going to change. I wanted to hide and make sense of what I heard and what I was about to go through. But instead, I walked back into the Wendy’s and acted like it was just another normal phone call I had to take. I’ve been in many plays growing up and I didn’t realize that for the next 2 years, I’d have to delve into my acting skills while at work since most of the important phone calls were done during that time due to the time difference from Colorado and New Jersey.

My case had turned into a cold case all these 17 years. it turned out the perpetrator had been a neighbor of mine from across the street and had come into my house at night and attacked me while I was home alone with my 4 month old son. He had grabbed me in a choke hold and covered my eyes so I would not see him as he dragged me down the hallway. I was never able to see his face. The only witness of this crime was my son who was only 4 months old at that time and he cried when he sensed I was struggling against the attacker. Thankfully, my son calmed himself down. I won’t go into further details, but it was very traumatic for me. 911 was called and there were about 7 police cars outside my house and I had to repeat my story 7 times to the officers. I was so frustrated doing this, but I later found out why I had to do this. This was a way to see if I was telling the truth. I was telling the truth and it’s something we as victims have to put up when we are telling the truth and people think we are making it up. I had just experienced something horrible in what I thought was a safe place (my home) and the last thing I needed to feel was that no one believed me.

My mom, son and I all moved six months later to another home in a different town. I got a different job, my son grew up and life continued. The first years I wondered about my case. I didn’t hear anything from anyone. I felt like no one cared about it. I pushed it away in the back of my mind. It was still something I didn’t like talking about, obviously.

After the call, my life was then spent having long and sometimes short phone calls with my Victim’s Advocate, police in NJ, my prosecutor, detectives and others. Having a Victim’s Advocate was wonderful. She really helped me a lot in understanding what was happening and how the case was being handled. She would text me updates or call me regarding the latest court proceedings on his behalf because he was getting charged with a lot of things. Luckily, once the DNA was matched up with the person, he was arrested again and sent to jail. He’s been in there since then. Just having to relive the incident and go over the details was emotionally draining. I would end up in tears after phone calls and it affected my week. Luckily, I didn’t let it affect how I worked, but there were days I had to cry in the bathroom or wipe away tears so no one would know. No one really knew what I was going through except a few friends. How I missed my mom at this time. I just needed a hug from her. Just anything. One word. But she was not here. So I had to look into myself and remember all the things she taught me about overcoming hardships. I knew (and know), I’m brave and strong. I felt my inner strength slowly grow back during the past two years, but it took time and I was able to manage my emotions as a result. During this time, I also found out what true friends are all about. I also saw how heartless people could also be. I had a boyfriend  for 3 weeks (he might as well not even hold that title and just be someone I dated) and he knew what I was going through, but he decided to break up with me anyways. Instead of checking up on me to see how things were and being a good friend instead, he didn’t care. I was really struggling and he didn’t seem to care anymore. Some people are so selfish. He tried to reach out later on FB, but I don’t ever want to talk to him again. Not after that. Especially when I needed a good friend. Luckily, I leaned on my good friends who took care of me and made sure I was ok and lifted my spirits. This whole thing was a lot to go through. It’s not like tv. There are countless hours and legal things you have to do as a victim to a crime and the process is long. My days were not all doom and gloom. I made sure I lead a normal life despite everything that was going on and be the best mother I could to my son. We would go to the movies, hang out with friends and watch our favorite shows on tv like The Walking Dead, The Amazing Race and Ghost Adventures. My son knew what was going on, yet he did not know the details of the attack. He was my rock and continues to be. I’m his rock too.

One day my prosecutor said to me that there might be a possibility that I would have to go to court to testify, which meant flying back to New Jersey. When I heard that, it really affected me because I would have to come face to face with him again. After 17 years, I would have to look at him. I told her, I didn’t know if I could do that. It terrified me. She told me to wait a few more weeks until I got the official confirmation whether I had to go to NJ or not. Then the call came again…..

 

To be continued…..

What’s your social media audience like?

Hi everyone!

So this evening I was wondering about how each social media audience differs from one another. This is my observations from my personal social media audience and what I’ve gathered from observations. I’m sure your audience is different and behaves differently as well. Here is what I have gleaned from the past years from the social sites I’m on. Depending on the social platform, there is a generalization of the same mindset of the audience that each platform carries. I find this interesting as it also covers the age of the audience in that platform, hence demonstrating their behavior towards me.

WordPress:

WordPress is my baby. I’ve been on here for years and have put a lot of time writing down my feelings, researching interesting places and giving my opinions on movies. The audience from WordPress has been so sweet and supportive. There is a sense of community of fellow writers and artists on here that you can’t find anywhere else. I’ve seen it many times where some bloggers go on hiatus for months or even years, but are always welcomed back with open arms. On another platform such as Twitter, if someone doesn’t like what you say, it’s an immediate “unfollow”. Everything is instantaneous over there, whereas, here on WordPress, a fellow writer will be more forgiving and keep reading regardless. After all, we all want to express our opinions. We love to observe and glean one another’s writing style and try to assess the beautiful minds of each other. I find my WordPress audience hails from all over the world and we love to share our cultures, beliefs and passions on here. There is no rush on WordPress. Everyone is relaxed because we know it takes time to write down things. Therefore, it takes time to read all of it too. This is a basic understanding of every WordPress blogger. Of course, some thought provoking writings are shorter than others, but no less important than someone who has a mind running 900 miles an hour with thoughts and rants. There is somewhat of a deeper connection that I get from fellow bloggers on WordPress because more thought goes into writing or sharing photographs. We all have stories to tell and it takes much more time to do this. Overall, myWordPress audience is open, supportive and understanding.

Instagram:

I initially started Instagram because it was new and exciting. I couldn’t quite get into the whole Instagram hype after a while and don’t use it as much. I like the “stories”, but have never done one myself. I think I lost interest when Instagram changed a lot of features and started becoming more like Facebook. I don’t have a connection with my Instagram followers at all. I don’t communicate with them nor do I care to, except one and that’s only because she’s a fellow blogger and I adore her. I also had a bad experience of some guy wanting to date me from there. Luckily, we never met and I blocked him after he started calling me names. So Instagram is not my thing. In fact, I might just delete every post I’ve every posted on there and just get on there to watch and like posts I think are interesting. I don’t feel the need to post things about my life because I don’t feel like my followers care. Sorry Instagram, but you’re just not my type.

Facebook:

I first used Facebook using my legal name. It was hacked twice and it scared me. Eventually, my full name disappeared into the abyss of Facebook’s deleted profile junkyard. If that is even possible. I’ve typed in my name and it doesn’t show up anymore, but it did take over 3 years to disappear completely. So I made another account after a few years and it was only to be in communication with my niece and sister in Brazil. I have 2 accounts. I have a general account and a very private account that has 8 people on it. I’m not social at all on Facebook and go on Facebook twice a week to see what people are up to. My perception of my audience on Facebook has been mixed. I have relatives and “friends” on there, but when I post something, no one interacts with me about it. Nothing like, “That’s a cool place, what was it like?”. There’s a strange lack of interest or communication which I find odd. I love interacting, but I can only take one sided interaction for long before I completely shut down and refuse to post anything on my FB. So why bother? So I stopped and haven’t posted in a very, very long time. If it wasn’t for my sister or niece, I would have deleted my FB account a long time ago. But I enjoy seeing what my lovely niece is up to and writing to my sister. I’m terrible with messsenger too. It takes me forever to respond to someone. I just don’t like FB. I keep to myself quietly and just watch others from the sideline; I have no problem with that which is hard to believe since I am an extrovert.

MusicShake:

This social site is a place where I made short music bits. My audience here was the most interactive audience I have ever experienced and I would get a lot of feedback from them. My audience at MusicShake all were super friendly, supportive and extremely engaging. I do miss those days, but making music and remastering different instruments was taking too much of my time because I wanted my music to be perfect and it took away from my time spent on WordPress. I am proud of all my short music on there, especially the “Dance of the Fireflies”.

Pinterest:

Ok, here is an interesting audience. I don’t know anyone from Pinterest, but I do have a lot of interest from my audience. Especially, from my “male style” audience because I have several males who like my “male style”. I do have an eye for fashion and I suppose they want to see what females like. I get a lot of likes of mostly fashion choices and decor of the house. I would call my Pinterest audience an interactive but very quiet audience. There is no words exchanged or comments, but boy do they do love to “save” my pins! Once a month I go on Pinterest and pin my favorite things.

Twitter:

Twitter was my saving grace after I went on hiatus from WordPress. I needed an outlet, but nothing that would take time to write. Twitter was my answer. Before, I spent so much time on WordPress, I was hardly on Twitter. I didn’t like Twitter in the beginning because of the restrictions of how much I could write on it. It was ghastly to think I couldn’t express myself in long paragraphs, but in only 140 characters? Wtf. My Twitter audience is fast paced, very informed, extremely interactive with each other, friendly and wants things fast and now! The general Twitter audience is unforgiving, mean and demanding and I’m not talking about my followers either. For the most part, my followers are sweet, supportive and at times sarcastic. Overall, Twitter’s audience is a hodgepodge of all kinds of goodness and fun.

But WordPress has a special place in my heart because I’ve spent so many hours on here writing and reading other posts. This is my happy place because it is here where my thoughts come to life and where I can live vicariously through the adventures of my fellow bloggers.

xoxo

What’s your audience like on your social media platforms? The same? Very different?

*Originally written April 3, 2018