Goodbye 2018!

Here’s to all of you who fought the good fight in 2018, didn’t give up and came out victorious! Gather around guys.

Hey, hey my friends!

I’m sitting here on a Sunday night, listening to “live” music on YouTube of Bossa Nova Jazz because it make me feel like a grown up. Just kidding. I love jazz and especially Bossa Nova because your girl is a true Brazilian girl. Anyways, so I decided to give my two cents of my humble thoughts of this year and how it impacted me and how it will impact going into 2019.

I didn’t write too much this year because I had a lot going on and I’m still without a good video software that I like to edit any videos. I love making videos to post on my blog and also my job took a lot of my time, especially after I came home. Towards the end of the day, I basically konked out on my bed and fell asleep after making dinner. I just could not devote enough time to this blog. I felt bad, but I still love ya WordPress. You’re my first love.

So if you have read my blogs this year, you’ll know I had to deal with some serious issues like going to New Jersey to testify for a crime committed on me many years ago. It was a cold case that was reopened and I was the main witness. Emotionally, this year, at least the beginning was mostly me prepping emotionally to do something very hard and come face to face in court with this perpetrator. My emotions were mixed. I survived the ordeal and discovered I am a strong person and that I don’t give myself a lot of credit for a lot of things. I have confidence, it’s just giving myself due credit where it should be given. I don’t know if self-worth goes hand in hand with it.

I was able to continue going to work and doing well at it. In fact, I got “EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH” this past September. I felt honored and appreciated. My supervisor is amazing and has really been the kindness boss I’ve ever had. I’m really going to miss her.

But unfortunately, my knee issues was getting worse. I was getting injections in my lower back to help relieve some of the pain and numbness, but it only helped for a few days. Then I got an injection in my knee and it only helped for a week. This is only being done until I get to see a Orthopedist in a few months who will then actually “fix’ my knee issue. The pain management is all just basically a “band-aid” to help with the pain. I had to leave my job due to it affecting my driving and my job being 90 percent driving. My boss and friends all told me to just take care of my knee issue and make it a priority. It has been difficult since I’m an extremely independent and carefree person who is used to just getting up and going somewhere at free will. Now, it’s been harder. But it is what it is. I must relax my knee and stay put. Through all this, I’ve done my best to stay positive and see the brighter things about it. Which, I must admit has been very hard. Some days it’s very hard to walk because every step is painful when I put pressure on my knee as I walk. the waiting game is hard. I’m a bit impatient because it’s like I have things to do, places to see and places to explore, so this has been a bit of a damper to my spirit. I do have help and I’m glad I have friends who have come to my rescue.

I got a bit of a shock in early November. Initially, I had gotten a letter in August stating the perpetrator was going to stay in jail until next year and I was so relieved. However, due to him being in jail during the investigation and trial for two years, he maxed out. I got a letter stating he was coming out Dec. 4th. I was devastated and scared. I was mad and confused as to how he was able to come out a lot earlier. I focused on mostly my knee issues and I forgot to be scared like I had been thinking he’d try to hunt me down and do something, especially now where I feel so vulnerable and like a sitting duck. It’s the end of the year and nothing has happened and I’m safe. I will, however, buy one of those doorbell cameras that detects motion whenever someone comes near your door. It alerts your phone and you can see who is at your door or who was at your door when you’re not at home. I’m trying to not focus on my fears of what may happen and live my life and not have him on my mind. I hate living in fear and knowing he’s out can cause that. As it would any victim.

Not much else happened.

For the next year, 2019, I will be healing myself physically. This year was healing my mind, my emotions due to having to remember the past and telling complete strangers about it in court. It’s easy for me to write things such as my blog to you all because you’re part of my blogging journey, but to sit up there and tell very hurtful details of the crime to the jury was hard and opening up about such things was hard. I’m going to work on not worrying so much about the future.

This year I want to connect with a painter I admire. Not in a romantic way, but in a way saying how much I admire his artwork and ask if we could become bestfriends tell him about my life in Brazil. i just think it’s pretty unique he comes from a completely different world from mine and we are so opposite in our childhood upbringing, but we still have a lot in common with art, interest in nature and space. It’s like meeting your favorite author, or singer…. mine just happens to be a painter living in France out in the country. I think a nice letter, some photographs I’ve taken of Colorado and a Colorado shirt would make a nice gift to send him. I should throw in some Rocky Mountain Chocolates. I’ll keep you guys updated on this. I could also just say hello on messenger since he is on my friends list on his personal FB page. He has a public FB too, but I am one of the few on his personal FB page. I’m old fashioned, so a nice letter and a package will suffice for now. When a blogger connects with her favorite artist in France. Sounds like an adventure even Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex in the City) would want to read about.

I’m feeling positive of the next year. I truly am. My son will be going to college in 2020 instead of 2019, so he’ll be still around to help me out and go on adventures with me. He’ll also be driving in a few months, so that makes me anxious, but I trust him. I know he’ll be a great driver. The thought of how much longer we’ll stay in Colorado continues to haunt me. I love upstate New York and would readily retire there, but who knows. Life has a funny way of changing things around. A few days ago, I asked my son, “What would you think if we just moved to China for a year or six months while I taught English as a second language?”. He just smiled and nodded. I’ve always wanted my son to live overseas to experience life, but he’s already been to 6 different countries, so he has some handle of what life is like in other countries.

Thank you for sticking by me this year. Thank you and welcome to my new subscribers! At one point, I thought this will be my final and last blog ever on WordPress, but not this year. I’m not finished yet. Maybe I never will. I’ll be home warm and watching the ball drop in New York City on tv as my son will be with his friends watching fireworks here. What are your plans?

This has gotten too long, but that’s just an update. Here’s to the New Year folks. I’ll do my best to write more and post blogs of weird and strange places like I used to. See you next year!!

xoxo

I’m still alive…

Have you ever gone on stage and the audience is there, but it’s so dark that you can’t clearly see how many people are out there watching you? The lights are so bright yet you squint your eyes to get some estimate of the amount of people out there who have come to see you. That’s how I feel right now. You walk across the stage and wonder if they even care or if they just want to be entertained by it all. You want to express how you really feel from the heart, yet you wonder if they will only laugh and go home and forget what they even heard moments ago. Then you wonder again, why am I even here? Is it for the audience? Or for the pure love of telling your own story? For me, it’s for telling my own story. Even if I get one person to read this blog, I’m happy.

Hi.

Remember me? I know I’ve been gone for quite some time and I do apologize. Thanks also for my new subscribers who found the time to want to subscribe to my blog even though I rarely blogged. I hope you stick around a little bit because I do appreciate you being here.

I was thinking today how when I used to let off steam I’d come online and blog about it. Sometimes my rants would be funny or downright heartbreaking. I realized I hadn’t been doing that; instead I have been clamming up and keeping it to myself. I love to write. Writing is my outlet when I can’t speak face to face to anyone. Yes, I have friends in real life who I can easily call up, but I also like to digitally record my thoughts as a journal. Looking back at your writing allows you to reflect and understand the way of thinking of that moment.

Lately, I’ve been thinking I need to start blogging more. I know I’ve said this a million times in the past, but I’m kind of stressing out a little bit now about something and writing relaxes me. What’s stressing me? Several things, but there is a pretty big thing I have to go through and it has put me in a funk the past 2 weeks. I can’t seem to shake it off. It’s a situation tha makes me wish I had my mother here to comfort me. But she’s not, just like she’s not here for many other things happening in my life right now. It’s life, but it makes me dig deep into ny inner strength to get through it. I’ll write about it more soon, I can’t just right now.

I’ll be blogging a lot more now. I promise. xoxo

My 2016 Summer Song

Every year during the summer, I choose a song that reflects how I am feeling or what I am going through up to that point. This year I chose the song “The Sun is Shining” because of the lyrics. This song just makes me feel good, the video is filmed flawlessly and it just is special to me. It’s great to remind people that no matter what they are going through, they will get through it. I remind myself how I have dreams and goals and I won’t allow something to ruin my aspirations and determination. I have to work hard to get there. Speaking of which, I ‘ll be starting up kickboxing very, very soon. More on that later, but until then, please enjoy my summer 2016 song “Sun is Shining”. I dedicate this to all my newest subscribers and to all my blogger friends who have stuck by me through the years. Thank you. I love you! xoxo

Video credit: Axwell Ingrosso

Song: Sun is Shining

What is your destiny?

Sorry for my absense. I’ve had to take care of some business. It’s raining outside as we speak and I feel so tired these days. I’m already looking forward to Spring as this Winter hasn’t exactly been a winter wonderland, much to my dismay. Albeit, it we did have a freak snowfall back in late October, but my Christmas tree still wasn’t up so it doesn’t count. By the way, I still have my Christmas tree up. I love looking at it and feel sorry for the trees tossed to the side of the road; it’s like they were used for a week or so and then suddenly tossed away without any thought. Do people really go through Christmas that fast? Out of sight? Out of mind? Everyone is hurrying to the next holiday so they can buy all the decorations…which would be Valentines Day. Ugh. I actually hate that holiday and not because of what it means, but because of all the commercialization of it. Girls get upset if their man doesn’t take them out to a fancy dinner when an order in Chinese food is just as romantic with some scented candles and a good movie. Everyday should be Valentines Day in my opinion. Just like everyday should hold Christmas cheer and a giving spirit. Sometimes I wish my name was Holly.

Thinking of resolutions this year, I don’t have any. What! You may gasp. Yep. I actually have life goals I carefully think about each year and combine them with the year before. Last year was “balance” in every part of my life. This year it is to make all things “good” in my life “better”. I’m not saying things in my life that are “ok” or “meh”…things I am not excited about. I’m talking about things and people who truly mean a lot to me and making those a whole lot better. Three weeks into this thought process, it already has made a difference. Life is short. Why spend it on things and people who just drag you down all the time? You spend all your energy trying to make things better.

I leave you with this quote which my cousin, Sarah, posted on her Facebook. I think it applies with negative and positive actions. You never know how your actions will deeply affect those dear to you. So please be careful.

Until next time. With lots of love as always.

JavaGirl’s Life

‎”Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.”
– Anonymous

A letter to my past for September 10, 2001

Dear Self,

I’m sure you are a bit surprised to get a letter from me. I am you. Ten years from now. I write to you today to let you know of something you will go through tomorrow. Look around you. What do you see? Blue skies? A hint of cool air? Your life is normal now. You don’t have a lot to worry about. Your life has changed a bit, but you are doing well. I know you like your job and you have a wonderful boss, Eric. I know you love watching planes fly over you because you’ve flown in over 55 airplanes during your lifetime. It’s very easy to know where they are heading to and if they are landing in Philadelphia or leaving.

I just want you to know that your life will change tomorrow. I want you to be brave. The event will be shown worldwide. You will still continue to go to work, but it will be hard to focus. You’ll be asking a lot of questions as to why it happened. I wanted to include this photo I found a few days ago to give you. I’ve kept it in a safe place because I knew I’d give it to you around this time. Look at it carefully. When you take this picture, you’ll be up in the Empire State Building which I know is one of your favorite spots to be at. You will walk around and find a spot where you will snap this picture. That day, you had actually just been in one of those towers with your mom and friend. You went at another time, not this day.

I want to send encouragement to you. What you see, hear and watch will affect you for the rest of your life. You’ll meet and be connected by this tragedy by people you’ll encounter. After this current job you have, you’ll have another job where some of your closests friends will be firemen, police officers and soldiers. You’ll date 2 soldiers. You’ll patiently and quietly listen to their struggles coming back from war. You’ll encourage them as they prepare for war and as they pack up. You’ll correspond to one on a social network called Facebook. I know, it’s a dumb name and no, it’s not a book with a face! You’ll even hate Facebook, but the only reason why you’ll be on it is to stay in touch with friends who are somewhat addicted to it. You, however, will not be addicted to it and you only go there to read their emails. You will love twitter though! A lot of new technology will change and the world will be able to correspond a lot faster than you do now. There is another site called YouTube too. YouTube will play a big part in keeping the memories alive to those who were lost in the tragedy and many tributes from all over the world will be produced.

You are so touched and moved by what happens tomorrow, that a few years down the road, you become a certified American Red Cross Psychological First Aid counselor for people that go through traumatic experiences. But yourself, you say it doesn’t get any easier, but you are able to cope and deal with it every year. You find out later that one of your close friend’s cousin was one of the pilots in the airplanes. Everyone is connected through this. We all grieve. Everyone copes differently.

What you also learn from this is that you become fearless. The only thing you sometimes get flashback is when the airplanes you use to watch so happily, remind you of this event and you cringe just a little and wonder, “Is that plane flying a little too low?”. Through this, you will become stronger mentally, but you remain nostalgic and always remember to give a moment of silence to those heroes. You are inspired by the courage and heroism of complete strangers helping each other. You are saddened by those that are lost. When you feel sad, talk about it to a friend or your mom. Talking helps. At least for you. Never keep things inside and always go to bed with a happy thought of the day’s event, even if it was a bad day. Never take life for granted.

It will take 10 years for you to go back towards the twin towers, but you will this year that I am writing you from- 2011. Stay strong. Stay brave. Be compassionate and never ever let anyone to ever tell you to just “get over it”. Keep this letter in your purse or pocket if you should ever need a little reminder.

Never forget.