Why does he keep showing up? His name is…

Photo credit: Google

I’ve been sitting on my couch staring out into the wilderness outside imagining what life must’ve been like when Colorado was being explored by pioneers. The trees are slowly and gently changing colors and it’s as if nature is showcasing it’s last scene before the curtain call. The sounds of birds are heard as they chirp happily whilst flying around and dodging the colored leaves that fall to their fate to the splendor of the ground; its final resting place.

I go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea and once again curl up on the couch looking outside. It is quiet. Too quiet. My teacup is surrounded by both hands as I blow to cool the steaming tea. Autumn is here once again and I love it. Nothing beats wearing warm fuzzy socks, hair up in a messy bun and curled up on the couch.

I hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why now? Do people not ring doorbells anymore? Or call? I’m scared. I don’t like strangers coming to my door. I put my cup of tea down and tip toe to my window. Socks or not, I feel stealth as if a jaguar hunting its prey. I look out my window briefly to see who it is. I quickly retreat back after I see who it is. I release a long sigh. Him again?

I open the door.

“Hey” he says.
“Hey” is all I can reply with a downcast look on my face.
“Can I come in?”
“I guess so. Why are you here? You seem to show up when I really don’t want you to show up. This isn’t a good time.”
“I just came to see how you were doing…”
“You know perfectly well how I’m doing, this is exactly why you’re here. But come on in. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you have coffee? I like mine black”, he says as he walks around and takes in everything in my home. I’m secretly hoping this isn’t a long visit. I’m already plotting to see how I can get rid of him. He’s annoying af.
“So, where’s your friend? You guys are always hanging out together.”
“Oh him? He almost came, but I felt like I’d come instead…alone.”
“Good”, I replied. His friend is more annoying and both of them together is a nightmare.

Too lazy to really heat up a pot of fresh water, I instead took out a cup from the cupboard and put tap water in it. I put it in the microwave to heat up for 2 minutes. After making small talk with my visitor, I added instant coffee and handed it to him. We both walked to the living room and sat down. He looked across the room at me which felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was totally relaxed or just waiting to see what I would say next. I can play that game too.

I look at him for a long time without saying anything. We both know what each other is thinking. I break the silence.

“I’ve been going through a lot. I have a lot on my plate right now. ”

“I know”, he says as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Wait, are you reading my tweets on Twitter?” I ask innocently. Of course, he’s reading my tweets.

“Ok, ok. You got me. I do read your tweets. That’s why I’m here. To see how you really are. ”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I have to deal with you. You and I know what’s going on between us. How are we going to deal with this? I told you I don’t want you in my life, but you keep showing up. This month has been bad too. Especially the past 2 weeks. ”

“Geez. What about me don’t you like?”

“Are you serious?”, I sarcastically ask. “I don’t like how you make me feel. You make me feel confused. You’re the reason I stay up late at night. You’re the reason why I want to be left alone to think things over…and over.  There’s going to be a lot of life changes in the coming year and you’re not making it any easier.”

“I know what you need. You need a plan. Maybe that will help?”

“That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m thinking of my backup plans. With my knee in pain, I’m not sure if my current job is a good fit anymore. Maybe I should stick to an office type of job. I have to start looking for another apt when my lease ends in December. Do I buy a home here in Colorado or move out of State after 4 years?”

“I’m sorry”, he quietly says. “I know I’ve been coming around a lot lately, but this is the first time you’ve let me in to actually talk to you.”

“I just don’t know how to deal with you sometimes. You’ll always be a part of my life and I knew especially this year, you’d come around a lot.”

“Listen, all I can say is ask advice from people who are much older than you. Wiser, if you will. See what they have to say.” He gets up to walk towards the window and stares out into the courtyard taking the last sips of his coffee. After a minute, he turns around and puts his coffee cup down on the table.

“Do you mind if I come back again Thursday?” he softly asks.

“Yeah, I actually do mind. I’ll be busy and I have a doctor’s appointment that day. I really, really don’t want any visitors, especially you. I just want to come home and rest and go from there.” It feels good to say that to him. He’s heard this many times before and sometimes he listens, other times he comes anyways.

I walk him to the door. We don’t hug. There are no cheek kisses either. I feel the chill in the air and admire the blue sky above. He turns around and walks away and disappears around the corner.

His name is “uncertainty”.

He’s not a real person, of course. He’s a feeling. The feeling of uncertainty.

Sometimes we all need to train our minds to keep out negative thoughts or as in this case, we need to deal with it and find out the reason why these feelings come often. To replace or do something that will help with feelings of uncertainty is a process. Everyone wants consistency and when life throws a fast one on you, it can make you feel unbalanced and a bit stressed.


JavaGirl’s Journal: Week 9

Dear Journal,

These weeks are passing by fast. I discovered this week that there comes a point in one’s life where you just can’t stress anymore. It’s not giving up altogether, it’s a weird feeling of complacency when you realize you just don’t have full control of things anymore. You just have to shrug your shoulders, smile and let out a huge sigh. I’m at that point. Perhaps because I just put in my week of vacation towards the end of August and I’m already in vacation mode. There comes also a time to decide or pick and choose your battles of what things to stress about. I hate worrying. I don’t like thinking how I’m going to do something that seems impossible or hard. There are certain things in my life that are being put on “pause” for the time being. Other things I have to put the brakes on and analyze them a little more. My car has been in the shop since Tuesday getting fixed. The final cost does not make me very happy at all.

The great news I heard this week was that my mom’s markers went down from 50 to 35. I was relieved and happy to hear that. It makes me feel as though I’ll have her around a little longer and one thing off my checklist of stressing over.

Unfortunately, my trip to Quebec City, Canada will have to be postponed to next year. I wasn’t entirely disappointed by this due to my money going towards getting my car fixed because I hadn’t spent too much time investing into the travel anyways. All things happen for a reason, even this trip to Canada. Somehow preparing for the trip got buried in the hustle and bustle of a busy work schedule.

I’m still looking at homes and found a few affordable ones down by Atlantic City. I think a lot of the houses have been lowered due to Sandy or they were ruined by the hurricane. I just know property taxes, condo fees and crime rate in the neighborhood are what I look for the most before even looking at the place. I wouldn’t mind living by the Ocean. I am a beach girl after all. Of course, anyone living by the beach has to realize the reality of weather circumstances and risk it some years by living there all year round. Whatever home I buy, I don’t plan to live there forever. It’s just for the time being. Rent is too high to keep moving from place to place and my mom still around has me looking for a home in NJ so I can be near her to take care of her. I find a cool home and then I see the property taxes are 5,000 a year. That’s too much for me. If I moved to Atlantic City or Margate, I’d eventually have to change jobs…or I could just win the lottery. Which, I might add, is up to 300 million dollars! (Gasp)

I heard the military is in need for speed….that is if you are a pilot. When I heard that, I wish I could sign up. If I had another life, I’d want to be a test pilot (with the guarantee of always landing safely, of course) or just a pilot for one of those F-18 jets. I hope more pilots sign up as a result, as we constantly need protection in the air along our borders. I’m always looking up at the sky. One of my favorite things to see is at dusk and to see the trail of a military jet that has passed overhead on his daily route.

Growing up all my life I’ve always known or have been friends with pilots. My mom and I used to travel in water airplanes (you haven’t quite lived an Indiana Jones life unless you’ve landed in the jungle in a water airplane in the Amazon river) such as little 4 seater planes, big jumbo military airplanes, 747’s, 10 seater planes etc.

Check out the Star Wars reference on the side of the plane!

One airplane ride I went on was here in Williamstown, NJ and I was in Junior High. My friend and I went up on this plane that did spins and spirals up in the air. I felt the sensation of feeling like an astronaut…defying gravity and feeling like I weighed 1 ounce.

National and International News: I suppose Snowden will stay in Russia. Russia decided he could stay there, lol. There is still protesting going on in Egypt regarding Morsi’s ousting. We have detected threats and as a result have closed Embassies all over the world. Fort Hood trial is set to open on Tuesday. A car in Venice Beach plows through a crowd and killed one person. A person like that shouldn’t even be called a human because he did that on purpose. This week I thought Snuffy the Seal was a real seal, haha. I knew the commercial for it was fake, but I thought it was from a real seal story. Sometimes I’m gullible.

Song of the week: I’m not much of a country music fan, but there are very rare moments when I actually do like a country song. This is one of those moments. Milton Patton. Watch for his name because a smart record producer will pick him up someday. I absolutely love his voice, albeit I can’t relate to this particular song. The song does have a nice tune to it though.

JavaGirl’s Journal: Week 3

The moon before it decided to become a ‘super’ moon.

Dear Journal,

I’m tired. This week has been difficult trying to sleep due to my allergies. I’ll be taking an allergy medicine to hopefully calm down my coughing and relax my lungs. I’ve never had to use my nebulizer as much as I have in the past 3 weeks. It’s gotten me a little down in regards to my streak of not having any allergy problems for the past two years. How weird is it that I took Claritin and I had an allergic reaction to it? So, now I have to take Allegra, which doesn’t give me any side effects. The joys of seasonal allergies. This one got me good this year and my body is in its mercy until I get full control of my allergies once again.

This week hasn’t been good to my car either. Monday I was driving into the inner city of Camden and at the traffic light, my car died. I couldn’t even put my flashers on to warn the angry cars behind me. Probably 15 cars went around me and I sat there like a sitting duck. It was hot and my phone was about to die. As I was dialing up Triple A to come rescue me, an older gentleman appeared out of nowhere and asked me if I needed help. I said yes and he pushed me out of traffic. I was not concerned for my safety because I felt safe. Was he my guardian angel that suddenly transformed himself into a human being? I’d like to think so. Regardless, he was an angel to me. So, this older man fixed a few wires on my battery and I was up and running once again. He had all the tools he needed to fix my battery and seemed to know right away what was wrong. Other things made this week go bad, but the topper was what happened yesterday. Saturday, I noticed my wheel of my car was stiff and turning around corners took more effort than usual. I did some errands despite that with a lot of left and right hand turns with my semi stiff steering wheel. Returning home on Saturday, I stopped by a store to pick up some power steering fluid and as I lifted up the hood, I found out some bad news. The top belt of the engine had snapped and was dangling. No wonder I was having problems steering my wheel. I could have gotten into an accident because of my steering wheel not turning. Earlier that day, I had driven about 60 miles an hour down Route 55 to my mom’s house, but that is just a straight road with very few turns. Tomorrow, my car is getting fixed; just in time for my State inspection by the end of the month.

These things have put a little damper in my spirits, but I’ve learned to be grateful nevertheless. All things work out at the end. I’ve been feeling quite ambitious lately and when I think about my future goals, it helps the week go by faster and help me not to feel so bad about having bad days, like Monday through Wednesday. I’m glad at this point of my life I know what I want to do with my life, I have goals, I’m ambitious and determined to achieve them. The only thing I’m working on right now is putting the puzzle pieces together in order to get the full picture. It’s not so much if the puzzle pieces fit (they do), it’s just when they go in their appropriate place. Am I ready for the pieces to fit in my life now? Of course. One of the pieces is moving to a different State that I was not even thinking of moving to, but I would need to in order to achieve one of my goals. I only found that out earlier this week. I would only live there for a year or two, then move somewhere else. As life has it, plans change and I have to go with the flow. Having goals in life is good, but sometimes change will throw a curve ball a you. I’ve learned to still keep dreaming and pursuing my dreams regardless.

National and International News: Brazil has begun protesting against the Government. I’m not surprised. I hope they resolve their issues soon because the world is watching. A former CIA man was hiding out in Hong Kong, but is heading to Ecuador seeking asylum. Nelson Mandela continues to be in critical condition. There is a supermoon. Monster U beat out World War Z this weekend. Twinkies have returned back to the shelves!! I saw the craziest video of a huge yellow python snake opening a door. It was something you would see out of a horror movie; the only thing missing was the creepy music.

Song of the Week: Queen. I love Queen! Gallileo! Figaro! Magnifico !