Why does he keep showing up? His name is…


Photo credit: Google

I’ve been sitting on my couch staring out into the wilderness outside imagining what life must’ve been like when Colorado was being explored by pioneers. The trees are slowly and gently changing colors and it’s as if nature is showcasing it’s last scene before the curtain call. The sounds of birds are heard as they chirp happily whilst flying around and dodging the colored leaves that fall to their fate to the splendor of the ground; its final resting place.

I go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea and once again curl up on the couch looking outside. It is quiet. Too quiet. My teacup is surrounded by both hands as I blow to cool the steaming tea. Autumn is here once again and I love it. Nothing beats wearing warm fuzzy socks, hair up in a messy bun and curled up on the couch.

I hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why now? Do people not ring doorbells anymore? Or call? I’m scared. I don’t like strangers coming to my door. I put my cup of tea down and tip toe to my window. Socks or not, I feel stealth as if a jaguar hunting its prey. I look out my window briefly to see who it is. I quickly retreat back after I see who it is. I release a long sigh. Him again?

I open the door.

“Hey” he says.
“Hey” is all I can reply with a downcast look on my face.
“Can I come in?”
“I guess so. Why are you here? You seem to show up when I really don’t want you to show up. This isn’t a good time.”
“I just came to see how you were doing…”
“You know perfectly well how I’m doing, this is exactly why you’re here. But come on in. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you have coffee? I like mine black”, he says as he walks around and takes in everything in my home. I’m secretly hoping this isn’t a long visit. I’m already plotting to see how I can get rid of him. He’s annoying af.
“So, where’s your friend? You guys are always hanging out together.”
“Oh him? He almost came, but I felt like I’d come instead…alone.”
“Good”, I replied. His friend is more annoying and both of them together is a nightmare.

Too lazy to really heat up a pot of fresh water, I instead took out a cup from the cupboard and put tap water in it. I put it in the microwave to heat up for 2 minutes. After making small talk with my visitor, I added instant coffee and handed it to him. We both walked to the living room and sat down. He looked across the room at me which felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was totally relaxed or just waiting to see what I would say next. I can play that game too.

I look at him for a long time without saying anything. We both know what each other is thinking. I break the silence.

“I’ve been going through a lot. I have a lot on my plate right now. ”

“I know”, he says as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Wait, are you reading my tweets on Twitter?” I ask innocently. Of course, he’s reading my tweets.

“Ok, ok. You got me. I do read your tweets. That’s why I’m here. To see how you really are. ”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I have to deal with you. You and I know what’s going on between us. How are we going to deal with this? I told you I don’t want you in my life, but you keep showing up. This month has been bad too. Especially the past 2 weeks. ”

“Geez. What about me don’t you like?”

“Are you serious?”, I sarcastically ask. “I don’t like how you make me feel. You make me feel confused. You’re the reason I stay up late at night. You’re the reason why I want to be left alone to think things over…and over.  There’s going to be a lot of life changes in the coming year and you’re not making it any easier.”

“I know what you need. You need a plan. Maybe that will help?”

“That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m thinking of my backup plans. With my knee in pain, I’m not sure if my current job is a good fit anymore. Maybe I should stick to an office type of job. I have to start looking for another apt when my lease ends in December. Do I buy a home here in Colorado or move out of State after 4 years?”

“I’m sorry”, he quietly says. “I know I’ve been coming around a lot lately, but this is the first time you’ve let me in to actually talk to you.”

“I just don’t know how to deal with you sometimes. You’ll always be a part of my life and I knew especially this year, you’d come around a lot.”

“Listen, all I can say is ask advice from people who are much older than you. Wiser, if you will. See what they have to say.” He gets up to walk towards the window and stares out into the courtyard taking the last sips of his coffee. After a minute, he turns around and puts his coffee cup down on the table.

“Do you mind if I come back again Thursday?” he softly asks.

“Yeah, I actually do mind. I’ll be busy and I have a doctor’s appointment that day. I really, really don’t want any visitors, especially you. I just want to come home and rest and go from there.” It feels good to say that to him. He’s heard this many times before and sometimes he listens, other times he comes anyways.

I walk him to the door. We don’t hug. There are no cheek kisses either. I feel the chill in the air and admire the blue sky above. He turns around and walks away and disappears around the corner.

His name is “uncertainty”.

He’s not a real person, of course. He’s a feeling. The feeling of uncertainty.

Sometimes we all need to train our minds to keep out negative thoughts or as in this case, we need to deal with it and find out the reason why these feelings come often. To replace or do something that will help with feelings of uncertainty is a process. Everyone wants consistency and when life throws a fast one on you, it can make you feel unbalanced and a bit stressed.

 

Day 6 Writing Challenge: Write about a recent scare

Yeah, I know. The original writing challenge was to write about my feelings for someone. First of all, I would be too shy to publicly write about such things, especially since they don’t even know I exist! But my feelings towards pizza is strong. Yes, pizza is a food item, but my feelings towards pizza is one of epic deliciousness and when I fold it like I do “Brooklyn style”, time stands still. Pizza, my love! How I love thee pizza! Mmm. You are hot, hot, hot!!

I’m going to give you two versions of this writing challenge just in case you may not want to read the details.

Here is the short version:

Recently when I went to my doctor and had my breast exam (October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month), she felt a lump on my left breast. My doctor was concerned and wanted me to immediately get a mammogram and an ultrasound. I was in shock, of course and got an appointment 2 days before Thanksgiving. Initially, the mere chance of having breast cancer just rocked my world. Waiting a month was going to be tough and I had to learn not to stress about it and just stay positive. The day arrived and my mammogram and ultrasound did not show anything. My boobs were clear of anything and looked healthy. I was so relieved to hear this 2 days before Thanksgiving. This was my recent scare on so many levels.

Here is the longversion:

This topic is geared mostly for women, but if my male readers want to read along, that’s fine. But I must warn you, I’ll be talking about boobsa lot! If you don’t want to hear about that kind of stuff, my challenge tomorrow is about writing a poem. I suck at poetry, so that should be interesting. Anywho.

October was a weird month filled with mixed emotions for me. Hearing about my youngest sister’s death wasn’t the best way to start off the month either. So I went to my doctor October 26th to have the usual lady exams and I was lying there and my doctor says to me as she is touching my left breast, “I’m feeling something. It feels like a lump.” She continues to carefully move inch by inch, going over the same spot to make sure. “Yeah, it’s definitely a lump. It feels smooth, which is a good thing because it could indicate a cyst. I’m going to have you get a mammogram and ultrasound to make sure what’s going on.” At this point, I don’t know what to say. I am shocked. I am not scared, just shocked. How could this be? I always do a self exam. How did I miss this? And a mammogram? Technically, I am under the age you’re supposed to get a mammogram (you have to be 45 years old), but I know in other States it can be 40. However, mammograms can be given at any age if the doctor says so due to finding something during a breast exam. I’ve never had a mammogram before, I am going into the unknown. I’ve only heard how it can be painful from other women. I felt like I was walking off a plank. That’s the best metaphor I could think of.

Once I returned home, I then started to panic a little. I called my bestfriends and cried over the phone trying to tell them I might have breast cancer in between my sobs. Lucky for me, my incredible bestfriends (I have several) all calmed me down. Three of my bestfriends are guys, so even though they didn’t exactly know what I was going through, they were extremely supportive, patient and caring. I started to miss my mom. So I made an appointment and the earliest I could get was TWO DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING. My mom passed away ON Thanksgiving day, so finding out whether I had breast cancer so close to when she passed away was really surreal to me. Either it was going to be a bad Thanksgiving for two reasons or a good one. I had to wait a whole month almost. I decided early on not to stress about it. There was no use for it. I would just keep busy and stay positive.

The big day finally arrived and I was given specific directions of what to do before my two exams. I got into my robe and sat down. Other women came in, but they were all in their late 50’s to mid 60’s. I could only guess what they were thinking when they’d look over at me. I was obviously the youngest there. Did they pity me? We all had a silent understanding that the reason we were all there was because our doctors all sent us there. I felt like one of those wooden mannequins during the exam because the technician kept telling me to move one way and “freeze and don’t breath!” for 10 seconds, then come back and make me stand at an odd position and “stay still and don’t breath!” for another 10 seconds. I felt uncomfortable there. It wasn’t painful, I just felt strange because I’ve never had a mammogram before. This was truly so new to me. I couldn’t tell if the technician saw anything, but she was busy clicking away on the computer screen and making sure to get every inch of my boobs. The more she clicked, the more scared I got. Why was she clicking so much? Is she seeing something? If she sees something, is she taking lots of pictures to prove there’s something? I put my robe back on and was quiet. I’m usually pretty outgoing, but I was silent and somewhat shy that day. To everyone. I sat back down and waited for about 20 minute in the lounge. They called me back again for the ultrasound. This is the part where I almost cried laying there. The ultrasound lady was an angel. She was so sweet and gentle to me, not just in examining me, but the way she spoke to me. As she was moving the doppler thing around my left breast, she said, “Hm. I don’t see anything. Why did your doctor send you here again? Do you know how to do a self breast exam? Do you know what to look for?” I told her I didn’t know my biological mother’s health history because I’m adopted. As far as I know, she never had breast cancer. She kept looking and said, “You look fine. We didn’t see anything on your mammogram nor am I seeing anything here either. Let me go talk to the radiologist to confirm everything. I’ll be right back.” I closed my robe still laying on the table and tried real hard to keep it together. I was relieved. But I also felt so bad for the many women who had come to the exact table and were told that they had breast cancer. I felt sad for them because I now know how scared they must’ve been and not been so lucky as I was to be told I had healthy breasts. I had tears of joy, but also tears of sadness for women that didn’t hear the good news. Luckily, women who have come to that same table have gone on to become survivors and continue to live a wonderful life. And that my friends is something to celebrate everyday. Even if your doctor may be wrong in her findings, it’s always good to get checked out. Self breast exams are very important. I knew I didn’t feel anything weird, so that is why I was so shocked my doctor felt something. The technician said my doctor might have just felt tissue that day because she went over and over again during the ultrasound in that area just to make sure and the radiologist even said he didn’t see anything. But I’m glad with technology they can confirm that my doctor was wrong. So I got the good news 2 days before Thanksgiving.

So that was my recent scare. I know I tweeted something on Thanksgiving Day like “I’m thankful for life.” Sometimes my tweets have hidden messages in them.

begwp12

JavaGirl’s Life is my former blog name, in case you were wondering. 🙂 I just happen to like this picture and wanted to share it.

xoxo

Jealous!

Don’t be jealous of one another. Someone’s life may appear glamorous or they have everything you’ve ever wanted, but stop and think, despite all that, not everything is perfect. It’s only human nature to get a tinge of jealousy over something you see or hear once in a while, but usually it subsides, right? But once the ugly head of jealousy takes over you and you are consumed by it, it can turn you into someone you never were. Maybe you want the attention of the guy you like? Or maybe you want to have that amazing job your friend has. Or maybe you just want to top the next $5 million dollar wedding because you want to not be outdone by anyone else. Jealousy in relationships is a sign of insecurity. Some people are cold enough to even be jealous of someone else’s happiness. Jealousy can hurt and cause undo feelings to the other party because you don’t know them, you just assume or you already have a preconceived idea of them. Jealousy towards someone you know personally hurts even more.

We all want something we can’t have or afford. Next time you see that handbag or house of someone else, just stop and think how they might have achieved that, through hard work? Just lucky? So instead of being jealous of someone or something you don’t have (yet), just be happy for them. They might have worked their head off for many weeks, months or years to afford or have that thing you want. You never know the underlying story of how they got what they got. Because, who knows. Maybe what they have was actually given to them as a gift. Just be happy with what you’ve got because they are meant to be yours at that moment. Jealousy can be directed towards a more positive feeling of determination to want to achieve you want. Through hard work and discipline, you too can achieve things you’ve dreamed of.

The last time I was jealous (and it doesn’t happen often), I had to stop and redirect my thoughts. I was a little jealous about my coworker’s car. I wished I had one just as nice, but the thing was, her previous car was crap. Her car contantly stopped a lot on the street and it could’ve been dangerous for her. So my jealousy suddenly turned to happiness for her because now she was in a safer car (but she does have payments to make every month). My car is paid off (after several years) and I don’t have car payments every month. I’ll eventually get another car, but for now, I am happy with my car. But for that instance, I do remember wishing I had her car. Lol. We are all humans, but we can learn to change our way of thinking.