This was a game changer in figuring people out!

Hello lovelies!

How are ya? I’m back and I have pretty much recovered from covid. I’m feeling good. I’m back to working out and doing my normal things. I wanted to talk about something I have learned from last year & it’s been a game changer for me in realizing what kind of people there are out there in regards to their attachment to you and why they are that way. This stems from upbringing from childhood and transfers to how they relate to friendships, relationships and marriages. I can look at a couple and see signs of their attachment behaviors. Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. Sorry, have to put that out there. I know you all are highly intelligent over here in the WordPress universe & clearly know that. But you never know. Some random person might say, “Durrrr. You’re trying to sound like a therapist”. No, I’m not. I’m sharing information that is found in the public domain. I actually always wanted to be a couples therapist at one point in my life, but the reality is that dealing with unhappy and miserable couples every single day would burn me out. But it would be an amazing feeling to help save a marriage or relationship.

How to help a person with these 3 attachment styles is coming from a person who has a healthy secure attachment style. Obviously, a relationship/marriage/friendship is easier when both parties have the same secure attachment styles. These are just example of how to deal with these attachment style being a secure attachment style.

How to help a partner with an avoidant attachment

When I think of the avoidant attachment person, I can’t help but think of Al Bundy from Married with Children. His avoidant behavior was made humorous towards his wife. Usually why an avoidant attachment person is this way, it is due to fear. Sadly as babies or children, they have had to self soothe themselves because no one else was there for them. Often avoidance attachment are super analytical and overthink things, thus spiraling into the realms of anxiety. In a relationship/friendship/marriage an avoidant attachment will take 1 or 2 steps back when you want to get close to them because they don’t want to be vulnerable with their feelings or get intimate. One way to help this behavior is to share your own fears of things. This shared experience can break down any walls they may have because they suddenly have a connection with you. Another way is to compromise with them; this may help with their 1-2 step backwards with you. Often times, the avoidant loves their space and will want to be left alone. This may come across as dismissive, but if you acknowledge their space and verbally say it to them, they will feel secure and know they are valued and might come back sooner than expected to continue talking or continuing with an activity. Everyone is different and some people may never want to get help or change. But everyone can, if they want, better themselves to strive to have the secure attachment.

How to help a partner with anxious attachment

Anxious partners need validation from their partners that they will return. For example, if there is a fight/argument/disagreement with an anxious partner, the best thing you can do is to explain that you need to leave the environment to let them cool off. However, by letting them know that you will return to talk to them again and that they are still safe in the relationship/friendship/marriage, will mean the world to them. Anxious people feel that they will be abandoned. To feel secure and still important to someone even though there is a disagreement is vital in helping an anxious person to calm down and feel safe to share their feelings. Anxious people already feel that they will lose someone if there is a fight and truly expect someone to walk out of their life because either this has happened to them in the past (and there is a pattern of this) or they have witnessed it with their parents or friends. A person with a secure attachment will always return because they realize this is how an anxious person functions. An insecure attachment style person will literally walk away (probably slamming the door in the meantime) and ignore all calls or attempts from their anxious partner (this is actually a sign of an avoidant attachment person). The anxious partner is calling to get validation of their importance to said person & probably subconsciously to themselves hence their need to communicate. A healthy and secure person will be angry or upset, but at the same time will care about their partner’s anxious attachment and make sure they won’t feel abandoned, even if there is a negative conversation between the two. People with anxious attachment behaviors need a lot of positive reassurance & nurturing. The great thing is that a person with anxious attachment can learn & develop a healthy, happy and secure attachment. I know, because I used to be someone with an anxious attachment in relationships.

How to help a partner with disorganized or chaotic attachment

You can see this attachment easily in movies and true crime stories. I mean, this attachment is very common, but it’s a toxic mix when 2 people both have the disorganized/chaotic attachment. There’s a scene in the movie The Notebook where Allie & Noah break up. One second Allie is screaming wanting to break up with him and the next second she’s regretting that decision and pleading for him to stay-it’s the I hate you, don’t leave me theme. Personally, I think Noah had the secure attachment style because he was willing to compromise, wait for her until she “found” herself and tell her it’s ok to be close to him as they developed more into their relationship. People with disorganized/chaotic attachment styles do not know who they are and often don’t know what they want (in a partner or maybe even in life) thus causing confusion not only to themselves, but to others. Some may show hostility, aggression because they can’t regulate their extreme emotions. Unlike the avoidant attachment, the disorganized/chaotic attachment style can’t self soothe.

A way to help a partner with the disorganized/chaotic attachment style is to be consistent with everything or anything as they are so used to living in an unpredictable world. Trust is built with them as they learn that you will show up when you say you will or call when you say you will.

A professional therapist can help someone with all 4 attachments, yes, even the secure attachment to uncover the cause from childhood that overtime made its way into relationships and marriages. There’s nothing wrong in seeking professional help.

Until next time my loves.

As always. xoxo

Life update

Hi guys!

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there. I know it’s tough, I truly do. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an empty auditorium, but when I go and see on my stats that people still swing by to see if I’ve written or have read my posts, I feel all good & fuzzy. Those feels, ya know? It can bring a blogger back to write again. So that’s what I’m doing right now regardless of who is in here. First and foremost, allow me to deeply apologize for being MIA for most of last year. As you may know, I had a knee surgery back in June of 2020. I had a minor fracture on my femur during the operation and it put me back 6 weeks in wearing a leg brace and a walker. Yes, I felt like a 98 year old woman walking around with a walker, but I loved the fuss I got as a result. I would get these looks of “Aww, poor girl all disabled and stuff” or “Why is she using a walker, she doesn’t look old” to the outright outburst of “What happened to you?!” I got a lot of “medical ageism or medical stereotype” statements directed at me like, “You’re too young to have a total knee replacement!” Often I’d have to defend myself stating that I had bad arthritis and it wasn’t my fault. Things happen. I just happened to draw the card in life of having bad arthritis in my knee. What can I do? I had to make do of it and take care of my condition. Do babies ask for childhood cancers? No. Do they deserve it? Of course not! Did I ask for my spinal cord to be squished by my back bone and therefore need an emergency surgery in May of 2019? No. Things happen and I feel like people think you need to be a certain age to experience “old people” things. Having a physical therapist assistant tell me, “Oh, I thought by now you would’ve been able to do that (a certain exercise)” and expecting me to fit the mold and comparing me to what other people with knee replacements go through in their success stories. My surgeon said it would take about 18 months until I would feel like myself. It’s been 8 months and I am still going to physical therapy. I am improving! Those are just some of the negative things I’ve experienced other than the loneliness and isolation I have felt since January of 2019. I’ve learned you can’t rely on people for feeling good in lonely times. You must truly love being by yourself and make yourself happy. People will let you down. But in saying that, it doesn’t mean to stop checking up on other people and making sure they are ok. I’m not one to beg people to check up on me. I’ve discovered which friends are real and which ones have been fake from the beginning. It’s ok because I now just invest on those friendships that are genuine and it’s quite lovely. I’m sorry for ranting!

The beautiful thing about isolating and feeling lonely is that you are more in your head than usual. You get a clarity about life and future goals. I start thinking of where I’d like to be once things appear to be normal in society. But what will be normal? I think the world will open back up and we will see people doing things we used to see. However, there has been a sense of emotional trauma we have all experienced that we will be bringing into the “new normal”. Side eyeing someone when they cough or sneeze. That used to be normal, right? All you said was bless you and you went on with life. Now, when someone coughs or sneezes innocently (even due to allergies like myself), people will most likely step away and act like you have some crazy disease. There’s a lot of arguments of wearing masks and not wearing masks. I don’t want to get into it, but I wanted to show this cute mask from Snapchat which is much cuter than the blue mask I usually wear. Ugh. My hair is so 2020. Time to add highlights again!

So going to physical therapy has been beneficial and I am gaining strength on my operated leg. I still use a cane, but am lifting it up every 5 steps to get used to not using it when outside. Inside my home, I force myself to walk around as best as I can without a cane and it’s been helping. I went back to my original physical therapist in October of last year and it’s been going well. I like that my physical therapist believes in me. I don’t give myself enough credit when it comes to some things. My last appointment, he observed me walking with my cane and said I should try holding a 10 lb kettlebell on my left hand and walk one small lap. I did it. He walked beside me to make sure he could catch me if I fell, but I didn’t fall. I thought to myself, “Omg! I’m walking without a cane carrying a 10 lb weight…what is this wizardry?” Even I was surprised at how easy it was and it felt comfortable. Today I was a bit sore from yesterday so walking a few laps made me a tiny bit shaky. Having a determined spirit, I will begin walking carrying a 10 grocery bag in my home to practice. Technically, my surgeon does not want me to lift anything 20 lbs or heavier. He doesn’t want me to hop either! I was joking around with my surgeon and asked if I could hop (I was trying to ease into asking if I could do jumping jacks once I am all healed for exercise) and he said absolutely not! There goes my dreams of being a hip hop dancer! I do love dancing and I will consider watching my Tahiti dance training videos instead, hmm! I’ve accepted that my healing process is my own unique journey. When I see older people in their 80’s walking around after knee surgery at my physical therapy place, I only am happy for them. I am not jealous or anything like that, but just truly happy for them. I’m sure they have lovely grandchildren they want to do activities with as they should!

As a girl who grew up in the Amazon who began to learn early on to appreciate my “home” where ever I was at the moment, little did I know I’d grow up with the mentality of being a free spirit. This way of growing up helped me to adapt to places much easier and made me begin my sense of adventure. I’ve moved 18 times so far and traveled to 13 countries (or is it 14?). I’ve loved it. The downside of this, my friends can attest to this too because they have felt the same way, is that you get that 5-7 year itch to move again because you’re so used to moving! Putting down roots somewhere and buying a forever house? Crazy! When I moved with my son in NJ, it was so he could go to a better school or the rent was more appealing in a safer neighborhood. It was mostly to improve life and not so much about my own happiness. I mean, I was happier as a result, but it was not my dream home or place. It’s funny how one’s dreams in your 20’s or even 30’s are mostly for where your job takes your or where you want to get a job. At least it was for me. I don’t think I really sat down and asked myself if I moved if it would be somewhere I could be totally committed to. One of my biggest fears in life was to be bored of where I eventually would settle down. There’s so many gorgeous places I’ve wanted to live at like Lake Como, for example. Being analytical about things in life, I weighed the pros and cons of moving there. Something just didn’t feel right. I think I was almost forcing myself to be excited about it. Lake Como is gorgeous (from the California side) and it offers views of the mountains and lots of outdoor activities. The idea of moving there eventually died somewhere in the halls of other places that I once dreamt about living at. Settling down doesn’t sound so scary anymore. Neither does maybe finding “the one” either as in the person. I’m pretty open to that. Trying to manifest the man of my dreams. I hope he finds me. So come on baby, wherever you are! Wink! I feel like I am at the stage of life where I can finally breathe and think it’s time. No more reindeer games of hopping all over the place. It’s fun while it lasts, but eventually finding a place you can call your home and where you can wake up every single morning and be glad you are where you are…that is a fabulous feeling to have.

Credit: dloudermilk

I realized finding “the place” must be like finding “the one”. Once you know, you know. And like they say about finding love when you least expect it or not even looking for love, it happens. That’s what happened to me. I found “the place”.

So last week on a normal day of googling something, I was looking at homes because of something else. It was in a State I told myself I would never, EVER move to. No way! I was gobsmacked at the homes I saw and everything the city and suburbs offered. I literally had a Big Fish moment! I couldn’t get over how beautiful and big the homes were and this State has palm trees in it! I thought this city would be boring, dry and deserted, but the city I like is full of lush trees, incredible parks and lakes. I checked out what this particular city offered and it offered everything I could dream of. It was like something clicked in my mind and I thought to myself, “Yes, this is the place!” THIS is the place I want to grow old at. I can see myself happy here for a long time. It’s got a bit of Philadelphia in it, some suburbs remind me of the nice neighborhoods of New Jersey, the weather is nice and sunny…people are nice and the fashion, omg!” Where is this place? Texas baby! I know, I know. Texas just experienced a freak snowstorm and blackouts, but when you find “the place” nothing will stop you. I know things will get better in Texas even though they struggled this past week. Texans are strong people and resilient. I want to buy a home there, but only after renting there for a small amount of time. I’m not saying which city just yet, but believe me, it’s a fun city with so many things that will keep me happy for many years. I don’t know anyone there, but that’s fine. I’m very used to moving and not knowing people. That’s the fun part of starting a new chapter in your life, no? I’ve looked at organizations I can volunteer at and I found one that is unbelievable. I miss working with people and this particular organization is perfect for me. When will I move there? I’d like to say within 2 years or sooner. I’m going by my healing and how mobile I am. My son is gradually warming up to the idea. I did say he can stay in Colorado with his friends if he wants, but he will always have an extra room if he wants to move in with me. I’m crazy about my son, so I’m hoping he’ll move with me too. So far, he likes that there isn’t an income tax in Texas. So that is my life update thus far. I can write more, but I’ve rambled on too long. I’ll try not to be away as much now that I have gained a sense of stability for once in my life. So right now, with this new sense of a permanent life time goal, I feel happy. I’m looking at places to rent down there and comparing prices. I like to plan way ahead so I don’t get stressed doing things last minute. I haven’t felt this excited about the future in probably decades.

Things do get better.

Lots of love. Until next time.

xx

The Versatile Blogger Awards go to….

First and foremost, a huge thank you to Munchow for awarding me the “Versatile Blogger Award”. WordPress has over 400,000 bloggers worldwide, it’s quite an honor. I think this is a great idea as it gives a chance for other bloggers to specifically give this fun little award to their favorite bloggers. If you are named below, I’m giving you this award because I just think your blog rocks! There are 4 main rules to this.

1. Name 15 bloggers.
2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination and award.
3. Share 7 random things about yourself.
4. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award pic on your blog post.

Here are my 15 bloggers I awarding and my reasons.

1. Reason: Josiah was one of the first people to comment on my blogs. I like his internal way of writing and expressing himself. That stood out to me.
Josiah's Blog Page

2. Reason: Chris is a fantastic photographer and his blog posts of his trip in South America is simply amazing to read. I also love the way he writes; it keeps me captivated.
Santiagonorth Blog

3. Reason: Delightfulness’s blogs are right to the point, yet funny at the same time. I like her outspoken way of writing. I wish I could be that bold.
Delightfulness Blog

4. Reason: Jan Simson also has a captivating way of writing which I love. I like his interesting views on life and his surroundings. 19 years old and analytical about life in general-very fascinating.
Jan Simson's Blog

5. Reason: Dave White is an artist who contributes to charity by selling his paintings to feed the hungry. I love charity blogs and this one deserves recognition.
Dave White's Blog

6. Reason: Nikkibi has a fun way of writing and adds delicious looking photos to her blog. You’ll like reading about her hot spots she eats at with her bf and her many adventures.
Nikkibi's Blog

7. Reason: She’s family! Sarah blogs over at BlogSpot, so I’ll let her slide this time. Just kidding. I love you Sarah! She’s very outspoken too, but also incredibly sweet. I love having her as a cousin! She’s starting up a store where she’ll sell scarves and other cool things. I’m waiting for my scarves to come in the mail soon!
My cousin's blog

8. Reason: Lemonissimo is a family man and loves to post pictures of his family doing things! Family is important to me, so it’s always great to see how much fun they seem to have together. His kids are so cute!
Lemonissimo's Blog

9. Reason: Liza writes from her heart on her blogs. Her primary focus are her poetry and the psychology of human interaction and communication. I’m all about communication, hence the reason why I nominated her.
Liza's Blog

10. Reason: Kristoffer is my ex-boyfriend, but we remain close friends. He’s gone through a lot in his 29 years and wants to share with the world his trials and tribulations. He blogs when he can since he’s very busy.
Kristoffer's Blog

11. Reason: Winsomebella has been one of my first subscribers since I joined WordPress. Her “likes” have always kept me upbeat to write more and share my photos. Thank you Winsomebella! Her blogs are fun to read as well.
Winsomebella's Blog

12. Reason: Robin is a 24 year old who blogs about balancing her life and eating healthy. I enjoy reading her blogs a lot.
Robin's Blog

13. Reason: Colleen Ponce is an amazing artist! Check out her drawings on her page. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them as much as I do.
Colleen's Blog

14. Reason: Tim is an aspiring filmmaker. His blogs are written to document his journey throughout the process. I’ve always liked the insights into filmmaking and all the behind the scenes details in making a movie. He’s new to WordPress so check out his blogs.
Tim's Blog

15. Reason: Alex is my Brazilian friend. His blogs are in Portuguese, so if you can understand or read it, you’ll like his blogs.
Alex's Blog

7 Random Things about me:

1. I’d like to “swim” with sharks at my local aquarium.
2. I’ve been interviewed on tv and appeared in 2 local commercials in Brazil .
3. I want to zipline someday
4. I love making my own pizza.
5. I could use a nice neck massage right now.
6. I wish they would put Pepsi in a bottle!
7. I would love to see the Northern Lights.