You’re making a difference!

Hi guys,

How are you? During a staff meeting last month, our supervisor showed us this clip. It relates to anyone working with people. As I sat there and watched this video clip, I must admit I got a lump in my throat. It was my last day at my job. Rita talks about working with children in this video, but it also applied to my job where I worked with adults with intellectual disabilities. We also had to deal with the same struggles of wondering if we’re doing enough, if we’re getting through to them or even making a difference after weeks, months or years. I felt like my supervisor gave me some of the most challenging ones, but it turned out the most challenging ones were the ones who picked me. In my job, you rarely choose who you want to work with (like a teacher), the clients choose you. So I’d get their files and read up about their protocals & ways to help them calm down. I had good days and other days I wanted to quit. The best part was when they’d tell you why they enjoyed working with you. My supervisor always encouraged me & made sure I was appreciated. When I watched this video clip, I knew I had been doing my job right & I was leaving knowing I did my best and had put the greatest effort in making a difference in their lives. People will come to you broken, help them.

You may be the glue they need. You’re their super glue. They’ll go out in the world looking put together, but it’s satisfying to know you had a little part in improving their life, even if it was just for a little while.

Enjoy the video!

Video credit: Ted

Goodbye 2018!

Here’s to all of you who fought the good fight in 2018, didn’t give up and came out victorious! Gather around guys.

Hey, hey my friends!

I’m sitting here on a Sunday night, listening to “live” music on YouTube of Bossa Nova Jazz because it make me feel like a grown up. Just kidding. I love jazz and especially Bossa Nova because your girl is a true Brazilian girl. Anyways, so I decided to give my two cents of my humble thoughts of this year and how it impacted me and how it will impact going into 2019.

I didn’t write too much this year because I had a lot going on and I’m still without a good video software that I like to edit any videos. I love making videos to post on my blog and also my job took a lot of my time, especially after I came home. Towards the end of the day, I basically konked out on my bed and fell asleep after making dinner. I just could not devote enough time to this blog. I felt bad, but I still love ya WordPress. You’re my first love.

So if you have read my blogs this year, you’ll know I had to deal with some serious issues like going to New Jersey to testify for a crime committed on me many years ago. It was a cold case that was reopened and I was the main witness. Emotionally, this year, at least the beginning was mostly me prepping emotionally to do something very hard and come face to face in court with this perpetrator. My emotions were mixed. I survived the ordeal and discovered I am a strong person and that I don’t give myself a lot of credit for a lot of things. I have confidence, it’s just giving myself due credit where it should be given. I don’t know if self-worth goes hand in hand with it.

I was able to continue going to work and doing well at it. In fact, I got “EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH” this past September. I felt honored and appreciated. My supervisor is amazing and has really been the kindness boss I’ve ever had. I’m really going to miss her.

But unfortunately, my knee issues was getting worse. I was getting injections in my lower back to help relieve some of the pain and numbness, but it only helped for a few days. Then I got an injection in my knee and it only helped for a week. This is only being done until I get to see a Orthopedist in a few months who will then actually “fix’ my knee issue. The pain management is all just basically a “band-aid” to help with the pain. I had to leave my job due to it affecting my driving and my job being 90 percent driving. My boss and friends all told me to just take care of my knee issue and make it a priority. It has been difficult since I’m an extremely independent and carefree person who is used to just getting up and going somewhere at free will. Now, it’s been harder. But it is what it is. I must relax my knee and stay put. Through all this, I’ve done my best to stay positive and see the brighter things about it. Which, I must admit has been very hard. Some days it’s very hard to walk because every step is painful when I put pressure on my knee as I walk. the waiting game is hard. I’m a bit impatient because it’s like I have things to do, places to see and places to explore, so this has been a bit of a damper to my spirit. I do have help and I’m glad I have friends who have come to my rescue.

I got a bit of a shock in early November. Initially, I had gotten a letter in August stating the perpetrator was going to stay in jail until next year and I was so relieved. However, due to him being in jail during the investigation and trial for two years, he maxed out. I got a letter stating he was coming out Dec. 4th. I was devastated and scared. I was mad and confused as to how he was able to come out a lot earlier. I focused on mostly my knee issues and I forgot to be scared like I had been thinking he’d try to hunt me down and do something, especially now where I feel so vulnerable and like a sitting duck. It’s the end of the year and nothing has happened and I’m safe. I will, however, buy one of those doorbell cameras that detects motion whenever someone comes near your door. It alerts your phone and you can see who is at your door or who was at your door when you’re not at home. I’m trying to not focus on my fears of what may happen and live my life and not have him on my mind. I hate living in fear and knowing he’s out can cause that. As it would any victim.

Not much else happened.

For the next year, 2019, I will be healing myself physically. This year was healing my mind, my emotions due to having to remember the past and telling complete strangers about it in court. It’s easy for me to write things such as my blog to you all because you’re part of my blogging journey, but to sit up there and tell very hurtful details of the crime to the jury was hard and opening up about such things was hard. I’m going to work on not worrying so much about the future.

This year I want to connect with a painter I admire. Not in a romantic way, but in a way saying how much I admire his artwork and ask if we could become bestfriends tell him about my life in Brazil. i just think it’s pretty unique he comes from a completely different world from mine and we are so opposite in our childhood upbringing, but we still have a lot in common with art, interest in nature and space. It’s like meeting your favorite author, or singer…. mine just happens to be a painter living in France out in the country. I think a nice letter, some photographs I’ve taken of Colorado and a Colorado shirt would make a nice gift to send him. I should throw in some Rocky Mountain Chocolates. I’ll keep you guys updated on this. I could also just say hello on messenger since he is on my friends list on his personal FB page. He has a public FB too, but I am one of the few on his personal FB page. I’m old fashioned, so a nice letter and a package will suffice for now. When a blogger connects with her favorite artist in France. Sounds like an adventure even Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex in the City) would want to read about.

I’m feeling positive of the next year. I truly am. My son will be going to college in 2020 instead of 2019, so he’ll be still around to help me out and go on adventures with me. He’ll also be driving in a few months, so that makes me anxious, but I trust him. I know he’ll be a great driver. The thought of how much longer we’ll stay in Colorado continues to haunt me. I love upstate New York and would readily retire there, but who knows. Life has a funny way of changing things around. A few days ago, I asked my son, “What would you think if we just moved to China for a year or six months while I taught English as a second language?”. He just smiled and nodded. I’ve always wanted my son to live overseas to experience life, but he’s already been to 6 different countries, so he has some handle of what life is like in other countries.

Thank you for sticking by me this year. Thank you and welcome to my new subscribers! At one point, I thought this will be my final and last blog ever on WordPress, but not this year. I’m not finished yet. Maybe I never will. I’ll be home warm and watching the ball drop in New York City on tv as my son will be with his friends watching fireworks here. What are your plans?

This has gotten too long, but that’s just an update. Here’s to the New Year folks. I’ll do my best to write more and post blogs of weird and strange places like I used to. See you next year!!

xoxo

Finding Fukue: “I want to find you”

Hello my dear friends,

As the first day of December presents itself to us, we usually find ourselves thinking of our loved ones as Christmas brings together our loved ones. We think of our loved ones who are still here and those who have passed on. Then there are the ones who continue to think about those loved ones who somehow disappeared from our lives. Those loved ones who made such a difference in our young lives or a huge difference in a short amount of time. For some reason or another, those loved ones somehow disappeared from our lives leaving us confused, sad and missing them a lot. Do you have anyone who you still think about? I do. I have a few people in mind. I think of my friend Amy. I’ve tried to find her on Facebook using two of her last names. She got married twice. I’m hoping she still lives in New Jersey as I lost touch with her when my son was around 2 years old, but we certainly had a kindred spirit and we had a lot in common. Unfortunately, she got into drugs and made bad choices in life as she didn’t choose the best boyfriends or husbands in her early 20’s. I could have sworn I saw her one day taking a smoke break at a corner with her coworker. She looked skinnier, had shallow cheeks and looked worn down. I should have stopped. I just wasn’t sure it was her and I continued driving. My search continues and always will for her. However, I will make an effort to get in contact with my friends who I haven’t been in touch with more starting this month and the year approaching. I want to be more in contact with them then I have been before.

Here’s to all you who are still searching for people of your past. May your search bring you peace, happiness and a connection that has been missing in your great big journey in life. It’s amazing how having a little piece of your past heal and close a gaping hole of uncertainty.

Enjoy this beautiful story. I know I cried when I watched it, it was so beautiful, sentimental and I was cheering for her to find her kindred spirit.

Video credit: CBC Docs

This post is dedicated to my old childhood friends, Martin (who lives in Switzerland with his lovely wife and kids), David my bestfriend from Brazil who is the namesake of my son’s middle name (who lives in the UK with his beautiful wife and kids), Andrea, Misty and Joe (another childhood friend who I plan to reconnect with soon, our mothers were bestfriends).

Oh oh, there’s that cat again

cat

I’m sitting here listening to some lofi hip hop music as I walk around my home in fuzzy socks. The day is cool the air is crisp. I have just finished up cleaning up my kitchen. These past few days I’ve been busy cooking and making homemade meals for my son and I. My son is away for the afternoon spending time with a friend to study. I love it when my son still asks me for inspiration for projects. Recently, he needed an idea for a restaurant for his business class and I suggested a tea room. I spoke about how he used to go with his grandmother and I to several in New Jersey and what he remembered from them. My son and I had a good discussion of the menu, decor and space. After a day he came back with a power point page with an impressive future project.

I grab a jacket and open my front door to go outside. I wonder if I got mail from yesterday. I’m barely stepping down on my front step when I almost crush my neighbor’s cat. There’s that cat again!

“Well, hello there!”, I say as I smile and clutch my jacket closer to me. The cat just meows and starts to twist its body against my leg and looks up at me with its big eyes.

“Of course, you’d make your visit more often this month…How have you been? Do you want milk? Where’s your mama?” I pick up the cat, give it a gentle hug and put it down again and walk towards my mailbox. Usually the cat follows me to my short walk to the mailbox, but not today. I glance back and the cat is licking itself and decides to lay on the top step as it continues to watch me. A stack of bills and advertisements lay waiting for me in my mailbox.

As I head towards my door, my neighbor crosses the yard. She is a tall, thick woman with curly brown hair. Her cheeks are flushed and she is a little out of breath. She stops and puts her hands to her hips as she scans the yard with her big brown eyes. Her eyes squint and suddenly stop at a particular feline laying there on my front step basking in the sun. The cat’s eyes are closed as it takes in the warmth of the sun. The cat does not care who is looking for it.

Welcome to my life. My neighbor is comfort and her cat is grief.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! Grief keeps escaping. I try to keep him inside, but he always escapes. He really likes you.” My neighbor feels embarrassed, but I love my neighbor. She’s been so sweet over the course of the years in so many situations, something as small as her cat escaping to visit me isn’t a huge deal. I’ve learned to deal with it. Her cat, grief, is a few years old now. The cat suddenly noticing its owner is nearby, gets up and hunches its back and lets out a long yawn.

“No worries. Do come in and have some tea.” I hold open the door for her. Comfort picks up her cat and walks in. Grief quietly lets out an escaped meow of being disturbed from basking in the afternoon sun.  I fill up a pot with water to start heating up and we sit down.

“How have you been? It’s November. I know this month is always hard for you.”

“I’ve been ok. Five years now. A lot has happened in 5 years,’ I answer as I get out 2 teacups and put them on the counter. Grief is kneading its paws on top of my sofa before settling down and listening to our conversation.

“And this little guy loves to come over. We hang out. I don’t have any pets so it’s nice to have him over. Remember, five years ago when you first brought him over to show me him? He was so tiny and delicate. He was so fragile. We just stared at him and wondered what he’d be like as he got older. Then when he was about 2 years old, he was all over the place. Sporadic cat he was! I had to try different things to try to distract him or to keep him calm, but it’s just the process of his growth, you know? You have to adapt.”

“You’re a lot calmer now, aren’t you?” I say in a slight baby tone as I pet grief’s head. I feel the vibrations of contentment coming from the cat’s body.

“I’m glad you’re doing fine. I remember grief was born the day your mom passed away.”

“Yes. Bittersweet day. Death and life. At first, having grief come over a lot was a constant reminder of my mom. I’d see your cat staring in at me from outside on my window wanting to come in. Being so busy, I’d let your cat stay outside because I couldn’t deal with him at the time. As time passed on, I made time to pet your cat and bond with him. Over time, your cat and I had an unspoken deal of communication. Seeing your cat didn’t bother me as much and I didn’t feel guilty for ignoring your cat. I’ve learned that when you make time to bond with things, it changes your perspective over time. It can be beautiful.”

I finish up making tea for two and hand my neighbor her cup. My neighbor takes a sip and looks at me.

“I love our tea time together. I’m glad we’ve been doing this lately. Thanks for inviting me in.”

“My pleasure. I love having you over. You mentioned that November is a hard month for me. It was at first. Especially the first year. I’ve learned to enjoy Thanksgiving and not remember it as the day my life changed. I celebrate my mom’s life all year long, not just the day she passed away. I’ve learned to appreciate and be thankful on Thanksgiving day for the things I do have. I really want it to be a day for having fun, relaxing, cooking and spending time with my son. My mom would’ve wanted it that way. One day, if I’m lucky, I’ll get a new family and spend it with them.”

The sun is setting and it’s getting darker outside. The music continues to fill the room with its lofi beats as a backdrop as shadows begin to grow outside. I live on a hill so I begin to see the twinkling lights of the homes as they welcome in the night. My neighbor and I talk and laugh about things happening in our lives late into the evening.

Before I know it, I’m laying in bed under my comforter reading a book. I place the book on my nightstand and reach up to turn off my light. It was another good day. With everything going on right now, everything’s going to be alright.

Click.

Answering random questions!

Hello loves!

So, I haven’t done these random questions in a hot minute so I felt it was time to do another one. Because you know, some of my new subscribers don’t know me too well yet, unless they read all my blogs. I haven’t read any of them yet, so my answers will be on the spot.

1. What would be harder for you to tell someone you love them or that you don’t love them back?

Me: Oh my goodness! Definitely telling someone that I love them. It’s even hilarious if a guy knows that I like him. My little heart beats a million times as I panic and think, “Omg,omg, OMG he knows I like him!” But whatever.

2. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

Me: Of course. There are ways to still give mouth to mouth using a barrier and still save a life.

3. What would be the hardest thing to give up on?

Me: Sugar. Hands down sugar.

4. What makes you bored?

Me: People that talk about philosophy all day long. To be or not to be? TO BE, OK?! Now let’s go and buy pizza because I don’t have time or patience for this shizz. I used to like philosophy, but the older I get, the wiser you become and you don’t have time to think about life. You know life and you just want to live it. AMIRITE?!

5. What is your favorite four legged creature and why?

Me: Wait, this isn’t a fair question! I can’t choose! Dogs, I guess. I know it’s a boring answer, but it’s true. They are so sweet and loyal.

6. Do you like spicy foods and why?

Me: A big fat no. I’m Brazilian. Our foods are not spicy, therefore, my pallet is not used to feeling like I’m eating fire. There isn’t anything comforting to me to have my mouth burn up and my nose run. It’s just a taste preference. Nothing wrong with liking spicy foods, I just don’t like it. Don’t like Thai food either.

7. Are you old fashioned?

Me: In some ways, yes. I’m very independent and a leader, but it’s nice also to feel like a lady and have someone open your car door etc. It doesn’t bother me if a guy tells the waiter my order along with his or if I tell my order to the waiter. Do guys still walk their dates to their doors anymore? Just curious.

8. Something or someone you miss the most from childhood.

Me: Family vacations down in Brazil. My mom and I were great friends with a Swiss family and their son and I were like brother and sister since the age of 4. To this day, we are still friends. He’s married now, but he’s remained a loyal friend to me. We’d vacation with them many times. Just the carefree, lazy and warm nights by the beach chatting the night away as the Brazilian music softly swirled in the night winds. There is something about Brazilian nights by the beach that is unlike anything on earth. Truly special.

9. Are you happy with life so far right now?

Me: Yes, I am. I am glad I am getting justice. Last month, I got a letter stating the perpetrator got denied parole by the parole board members. So, he’ll be in jail for another 14 months. A Parole board committee will look at a person’s behavior while in jail as well as his other criminal offenses. Something must’ve sparked them to deny him parole.

10. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.

Me: Trust. I’ve experienced love only to have it broken with trust issues. So, I’d prefer trust over love because with trust, love can develop. I give people my trust, but they end up breaking it. People can’t keep their word. Is giving your word not an honor anymore? Even for the smallest thing people say they will do, they don’t do it. That’s where trust comes in. If you can’t keep your word for something simple, why would I trust you with my heart? In the heat of a moment, trust is furthest from their minds. I respect someone who when given a situation/temptation that would break my trust, that they would step back and ask themselves, wait. Would this cause her to mistrust me or will this only make her trust me more? Find me a man who I can trust easily and I’ll have found the man of my dreams.

11. Have you ever been in love?

Me: Like truly in love? No. I’ve said this many times, but I’m saving being “in love” with the person I will marry. I’ve loved before, of course, but I believe the “in love” feeling should be for your soulmate. They deserve your whole heart. I don’t want my future husband to feel like sloppy seconds. I don’t want him to say to me, “Well, you’ve been in love several times already. How am I so special to you?”. I want him to feel like the most special person on earth and the only one who truly captured my heart. People invest their heart so fast in a person they just met that they end up having a broken heart because they gave their heart away way too fast to a cheap person. There is nothing wrong with being “in love” several times. People are different. I’m just saying this is my way of thinking and I’m sticking to it. Call me stubborn.

12. Tell me about someone you really admire?

Me: It’s kind of funny because I’m currently single, but there is this young 20 something couple on Instagram I follow. I follow the husband and the wife. I admire their mature and wise marriage advice. For a couple that young, I’m so impressed by their advice on marriage. They are just the cutest and their baby is cuteness overload. They are writing a book about their dating life and how they prepared for marriage. Their names are Jeremy and Audrey Roloff: beating50percent.com I learn new things from them everyday.

13. Any cooking adventures?

Me: I’m determined to make homemade mac and cheese. I’ve never made it before, so I might do that today.

14. Current feeling status?

Me: I’m not stressed out with uncertainty as I was 1 1/2 months ago. I am on the verge of feeling burned out by my job, but I’ve decided sometime next year I’ll find something else. I’ll be getting injections in my lower back to help with the inflammation next week. My knee situation has really made me not able to do much. I’m usually such an active person. Hopefully soon I’ll be doing many fun things once again.

Peace out everyone! Talk to you soon. I still need to check all my notifications so give me time to stop by your page & answer comments.

xoxo

Why does he keep showing up? His name is…


Photo credit: Google

I’ve been sitting on my couch staring out into the wilderness outside imagining what life must’ve been like when Colorado was being explored by pioneers. The trees are slowly and gently changing colors and it’s as if nature is showcasing it’s last scene before the curtain call. The sounds of birds are heard as they chirp happily whilst flying around and dodging the colored leaves that fall to their fate to the splendor of the ground; its final resting place.

I go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea and once again curl up on the couch looking outside. It is quiet. Too quiet. My teacup is surrounded by both hands as I blow to cool the steaming tea. Autumn is here once again and I love it. Nothing beats wearing warm fuzzy socks, hair up in a messy bun and curled up on the couch.

I hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why now? Do people not ring doorbells anymore? Or call? I’m scared. I don’t like strangers coming to my door. I put my cup of tea down and tip toe to my window. Socks or not, I feel stealth as if a jaguar hunting its prey. I look out my window briefly to see who it is. I quickly retreat back after I see who it is. I release a long sigh. Him again?

I open the door.

“Hey” he says.
“Hey” is all I can reply with a downcast look on my face.
“Can I come in?”
“I guess so. Why are you here? You seem to show up when I really don’t want you to show up. This isn’t a good time.”
“I just came to see how you were doing…”
“You know perfectly well how I’m doing, this is exactly why you’re here. But come on in. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you have coffee? I like mine black”, he says as he walks around and takes in everything in my home. I’m secretly hoping this isn’t a long visit. I’m already plotting to see how I can get rid of him. He’s annoying af.
“So, where’s your friend? You guys are always hanging out together.”
“Oh him? He almost came, but I felt like I’d come instead…alone.”
“Good”, I replied. His friend is more annoying and both of them together is a nightmare.

Too lazy to really heat up a pot of fresh water, I instead took out a cup from the cupboard and put tap water in it. I put it in the microwave to heat up for 2 minutes. After making small talk with my visitor, I added instant coffee and handed it to him. We both walked to the living room and sat down. He looked across the room at me which felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was totally relaxed or just waiting to see what I would say next. I can play that game too.

I look at him for a long time without saying anything. We both know what each other is thinking. I break the silence.

“I’ve been going through a lot. I have a lot on my plate right now. ”

“I know”, he says as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Wait, are you reading my tweets on Twitter?” I ask innocently. Of course, he’s reading my tweets.

“Ok, ok. You got me. I do read your tweets. That’s why I’m here. To see how you really are. ”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, I have to deal with you. You and I know what’s going on between us. How are we going to deal with this? I told you I don’t want you in my life, but you keep showing up. This month has been bad too. Especially the past 2 weeks. ”

“Geez. What about me don’t you like?”

“Are you serious?”, I sarcastically ask. “I don’t like how you make me feel. You make me feel confused. You’re the reason I stay up late at night. You’re the reason why I want to be left alone to think things over…and over.  There’s going to be a lot of life changes in the coming year and you’re not making it any easier.”

“I know what you need. You need a plan. Maybe that will help?”

“That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m thinking of my backup plans. With my knee in pain, I’m not sure if my current job is a good fit anymore. Maybe I should stick to an office type of job. I have to start looking for another apt when my lease ends in December. Do I buy a home here in Colorado or move out of State after 4 years?”

“I’m sorry”, he quietly says. “I know I’ve been coming around a lot lately, but this is the first time you’ve let me in to actually talk to you.”

“I just don’t know how to deal with you sometimes. You’ll always be a part of my life and I knew especially this year, you’d come around a lot.”

“Listen, all I can say is ask advice from people who are much older than you. Wiser, if you will. See what they have to say.” He gets up to walk towards the window and stares out into the courtyard taking the last sips of his coffee. After a minute, he turns around and puts his coffee cup down on the table.

“Do you mind if I come back again Thursday?” he softly asks.

“Yeah, I actually do mind. I’ll be busy and I have a doctor’s appointment that day. I really, really don’t want any visitors, especially you. I just want to come home and rest and go from there.” It feels good to say that to him. He’s heard this many times before and sometimes he listens, other times he comes anyways.

I walk him to the door. We don’t hug. There are no cheek kisses either. I feel the chill in the air and admire the blue sky above. He turns around and walks away and disappears around the corner.

His name is “uncertainty”.

He’s not a real person, of course. He’s a feeling. The feeling of uncertainty.

Sometimes we all need to train our minds to keep out negative thoughts or as in this case, we need to deal with it and find out the reason why these feelings come often. To replace or do something that will help with feelings of uncertainty is a process. Everyone wants consistency and when life throws a fast one on you, it can make you feel unbalanced and a bit stressed.

 

Worries and back pain…

Dear friends,

I’m still alive! Nice to see you all. Even my new subscribers. I see you and welcome. Thanks for following even though there’s cobwebs on my last post. I need to come here more often. Which brings me to ask you guys about something. One of the things that has stopped me from posting as much as I want is that I need to find an easy but very good video editing software. I used to use “Movie maker” and I loved it. Then the big bosses decided to not include them in new laptops. I used to edit all my videos on there because it was easy to snip, edit and do all kinds of things on Movie maker. I know there is a new version of it, but it’s really weird. I’m looking for a video editing software that is easy to use. I want to post it on my Vimeo channel because the clarity is better. I miss making videos and want to practice camera angles and sweeping cinematic scenes with my camera. Editing takes forever, but I can always make time because it’s relaxing in a strange way. Please let me know on the comment area below. I’m curious to know what you guys use.

My son is finishing up his first week of being a Senior. He’s very involved in several clubs and is a Link Crew member. Link Crew members are handpicked students who are mentors for Freshmen that year. My son had to apply and answer some questions of why he should be a Link Crew member. There are 500 Freshmen this year at his school! His school is huge and I remember his first day as a Freshman. I am entering a phase of life that many parents of Seniors are at. This is my only child and it’s all new to me and a bit emotional too. Have I really come to the end of my child’s school years? I made it this far… on my own. As a single mom. Soon before December, I’ll be filling out Financial Aid forms and talking more about colleges. 4 years flew by fast. We came to Colorado in the middle of his 8th grade year. There are going to be so many milestones this year, it’s almost dizzying to my mind. Getting his driver’s permit is happening one of these weekends and soon I’ll be teaching him how to drive. One minute I’m looking into my newborn’s little pink face only a few hours old and I’m telling him I’m going to raise him as best as I can and the next here I am suddenly a mother of a Senior boy. In my mind I’m already making a list of things he’ll need for college and how his room will be the coolest dorm room ever.

Lately, I’ve had back issues. I had an xray 3 weeks ago and my doctor said it looked normal, just the usual wear and tear as we age. However, he did look up at me and said, “I did find something odd though.” Huh. Wut. Really? Now??? Sigh. I had a long day and I was tired. Please don’t tell me I’m morphing into some wild creature. He continued to say that he found that my bone density was above average. He said usually bone density gets weaker and thinner, but mine was above average and asked if I was eating a lot of veggies and fruits. I confessed, I wasn’t… BUT. I am taking my vitamins! Especially my Vitamin D gummy ones. He said to take one instead of two. That was positive news. It was just weird how he got all dramatic and suspenseful about my bone density. I am getting an MRI next week to see more details of why my lower right back hurts which is affecting my foot and leg. It’s not sciatica which I had last year and got taken care of after 4 months of physical therapy. Wish me luck. I just want something to improve it because I’m starting to get worried. And I tend to worry a lot. I hate worrying and need to find things to occupy my mind before it gets out of hand and I end up in a panic attack. Lol.

I’ll be back. Let me know what editing software you guys use. I just need ideas and reviews of editing software so I can continue making videos and posting them on here.

Later love bugs! xoxo

This song is so dreamy. I listen to it when I’m getting for work and when I’m driving back home as I decompress. This song is so calming to the ears and I love the vibe.

The Sentence Part 3

judge-hammer
Credit: Google

Dear friends,

Sorry for keeping you in suspense. I’ll tell you exactly why it’s taken me some time to write part 3. I got the official notice of his sentence on May 31st. The sentence gave mixed emotions as you’ll read later on. The other reason is that after I heard about the sentence I decided it was time to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter where there wasn’t any phone calls from prosecutors, detectives or anyone else regarding the case. I felt a huge sense of relief and I could finally shake the stress away and live my life in a happier circumstance. My sense of happiness came and it felt beautiful. I’m a happy person to begin with, but this was a relieved sense of happiness which brought along its friends, peace and tranquility. I wanted to spend time alone without blogging to gather my thoughts, digest the sentence and just begin living my life.

The trial was 3 hours long and I sat up there answering all the questions being catapulted towards me. If you’ve ever had to sit as a witness for a crime and be asked all kinds of questions, it’s mentally exhausting. Photographs were shown on the screen for everyone in the courtroom to see. I hated that he had to look at me the entire time. The whole situation was surreal. One minute I’m living my life in Colorado and the next thing I know I’m sitting in a courtroom testifying against someone who violated me many years ago. How did I get here? Nevertheless, I’m glad he’s been in jail for close to 2 years.

After I was done testifying, I got down from my seat and walked out from the courtroom. I felt bad I couldn’t shake the hand or hug my Prosecuter because she still had to argue my case after I left. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted I spent the next 6 hours just relaxing and taking small naps. My son was able to hang out with his friends at a local mall. He later told me he had a lot of fun and laughed a lot with his friends.

Now all I needed to do was just wait for the verdict and sentence.

We were escorted by 2 Detectives dressed in suits and stereotypical jackets to the airport. Just as when they picked us up, we felt like were being whisked away in a special ops movie scene in an undercover police car. We hopped on the plane and listened to the chatter of fellow passengers. One passenger said he was from Manitou Springs, which is a mountain town literally 15 minutes from where we live. It felt nice to be among fellow Coloradans.

It took 2 days for the jury to deliberate. I once was a juror, so I knew exactly what they were going through and the process of it. Believe me, with 12 different personalities, it’s hard to come up with the same verdict or agree. There may be one juror who is so stubborn or another who is very undecided.

My Victim’s Advocate later called me on May 31s and told me the news. Because he had been sitting in jail for 2 years, this gave me him credit towards any jail time. He was found guilty of three counts. Basically, he’s eligible for parole now. Yes, you heard that right. It doesn’t mean he’s free right now. He’s still in State prison as we speak, but being eligle for parole can take weeks or up to a year. They have to put in consideration his behavior whilst in prison the past 2 years.

Dealing with him getting out of jail so soon only brought a lot of fear to me because I felt as if he might come after me and try to hunt me down for revenge. I didn’t want to constantly live my life looking behind my back. I later found out he has a Nazi tattoo on his head, so I’m not sure how active he is about that lifestyle.  I had this fear and I expressed my fear to my Victim’s Advocate and in my Victim’s Statement I gave to the judge. The judge read the letter and made sure he was not to contact me. Ever.  I’m not sure if these fears were because I had just relived a traumatic experience through testifying or something else. My Victim’s Advocate talked a long time with me regarding my fears and what she has seen with former clients the past 20 years she has worked on cases like mine. Either way, whenever he is released from jail, I will be immediately notified by letter and through my Victim’s Advocate. I pray to God I will not panic for a few seconds and only remain strong as I have been and will be.

I knew in order to live a fulfilling life without fear (fear is normal and I’m only human) and as normal as anyone else, I had to change my way of thinking. Doing little things like getting the Ring.com doorbell which video tapes anyone who comes near your door will relieve me of any stress. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m going to keep living life and having fun. Another reason why I blog is so that my son will always have something to read regarding my life after it’s my time to go (of old age). I have no intention of ever stopping blogging. I love writing too much.

I do want to say that with this experience, if you know anyone who has gone through a similar experience, let them know they will get through it. They are survivors. They are warriors and have fought a tough war and will come out of it victorious like me. Yes, it’s a very tough battle to go through, the whole court process, the emotional stress and feelings of loneliness, but it will only make a person that much stronger for whatever life has prepared for the future. I’m thankful that I have a strong faith and I couldn’t have gone through this without God.

When I was writing my final victim’s impact statement to be given to the judge to read in court for sentencing day, I listened to this song below. I was having problems in how to start one, so once I heard this song, I knew exactly what I had to write. So this particular music means a lot to me. It  captures my spirit and my soul.

xoxo

Video credit: ThePrimeCronus

Testifying in court Part 2

Hello dear friends,

I wrote this May 31st. Thank you for coming along and reading this. Writing about this has helped me a lot and has been therapeutic in so many ways.

In February during one of the phone calls with my Victim’s Advocate, I was told it was going to be a possibility that I would have to travel to New Jersey to testify depending on how the perpetrator plead. I’m glad she told me back then because this gave me time to marinate in my mind of coming face to face with him. After all these years. She told me to wait a few weeks and she would have the official trial date and to start telling my job that I would be gone for a few days.

March came and I got the call I was dreading. I was to go to New Jersey. So many emotions came and I knew I was going to have to do something extremely tough. My prosecutor and I would then have to have several calls (conference calls with a Detective present) regarding what kind of questions she would ask me and how to prepare to be asked by the Defense lawyer. I had forgotten that 17 years ago I had given a statement that was recorded by an officer. Before that, I was given a copy of my statement. It took me 2 days to read it because I read the first 4 sentences and I had to put it down because there were things I had forgotten about since that night. Reading my testimony was tough, but it had to be done. A time later, I had to LISTEN to the audio tape and hear myself speak. The older me had to listen to a scared and emotionally drained younger me explaining to the office what happened. This was upsetting, but I needed to hear the audio of myself from 17 year ago.

April came and this was it. I knew as soon as April 1st came that it was a big month. It was a time to be brave. I got special permission to bring along my son. I had the Prosecutor write a letter to my job explaining why I had to leave and not to penalize my absense and my son also got a letter to be given to his counselor allowing him to miss a few days of school. A week before trial, we got our plane tickets and hotel. Everything was top secret and there was a reason as not to disclose where we were staying.

Our flight was incredibly bumpy and it was quite a flight after 4 years of not flying. When we arrived, we were met by a car with 2 detectives to pick us up. I had the detective’s phone number ahead of time so they knew we were there. Just like a special ops scene from a movie, they rushed over to us, quickly got out, put our bags in the trunk, opened the doors for us to quickly get in and we literally sped off to our hotel. One of the detectives checked us in and we freshened up before we went out to dinner to finally meet my Victim’s Advocate. During dinner she explained the process of the trial and answered any questions I had. The time was mostly to get to know each other and mentally prepare. I found this incredibly helpful because I was nervous. It was also great to be back in New Jersey and eat the food. I even saw a man at the place wearing a Colorado shirt!

The day before trial, I finally met the Prosecutor who had been taking my case for the past 2 years. I met my family friend who was one of the witnesses. We were never allowed to discuss the case with each other, only things not related to court. It was nice to see her again as she was one of my mom’s close friend. She had driven all the way from Ohio to come testify as a witness. We went to the courthouse and even saw the court we’d be at. I saw where I would be testifying and where I would be seated. I also saw where he would be seated as well in reference to where I would be. This also helped me to be more prepared instead of just going on trial day and everything being new. The rest of the day I took time to rest and take a long nap. I was tired from flying and getting used to the normal oxygen at sea level. I live 6,000 feet above sea level in Colorado where the air is thinner, so my body was getting used to the increase in oxygen. My son took time to meet up with old friends and he loved it.

The day came for trial. I was so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t eat breakfast in fear I was going to hurl. I just had a drink from a store. We sat in a room until it was time to testify. My heart was racing. I kept taking deep breaths to calm myself. I was feeling ok, but a bit shaky on my feet. Finally, we were told they were ready for us. As I was walking down the hallway, I saw a lady who said my name and quickly hugged me. She quietly said, “You got this! It’s going to be ok. You got this!” I suddenly realized it was my old neighbor from that time. She looked more or less the same. She and her husband were the sweetest neighbors. Just seeing her again brought tears to my eyes. I walked into court and had to immediately go to swear in. By then my voice was shaky and there were huge tears running down my eyes. Even the lady swearing me in looked like she was about to cry. I didn’t see him yet. I didn’t want to, but I felt his presence there. I saw the jurors and took my seat up front.

I looked at all the jurors. Each one. I was going have to open up about a traumatic experience from such a long time ago.

I prayed silently. Dear God. I need your help. This is going to be tough.

My prosecutor stood up and asked me the first question. I took a deep breath and so began the 3 hours of testifying.

To be continued…