Photo credit: Google
I’ve been sitting on my couch staring out into the wilderness outside imagining what life must’ve been like when Colorado was being explored by pioneers. The trees are slowly and gently changing colors and it’s as if nature is showcasing it’s last scene before the curtain call. The sounds of birds are heard as they chirp happily whilst flying around and dodging the colored leaves that fall to their fate to the splendor of the ground; its final resting place.
I go into the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea and once again curl up on the couch looking outside. It is quiet. Too quiet. My teacup is surrounded by both hands as I blow to cool the steaming tea. Autumn is here once again and I love it. Nothing beats wearing warm fuzzy socks, hair up in a messy bun and curled up on the couch.
I hear a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why now? Do people not ring doorbells anymore? Or call? I’m scared. I don’t like strangers coming to my door. I put my cup of tea down and tip toe to my window. Socks or not, I feel stealth as if a jaguar hunting its prey. I look out my window briefly to see who it is. I quickly retreat back after I see who it is. I release a long sigh. Him again?
I open the door.
“Hey” he says.
“Hey” is all I can reply with a downcast look on my face.
“Can I come in?”
“I guess so. Why are you here? You seem to show up when I really don’t want you to show up. This isn’t a good time.”
“I just came to see how you were doing…”
“You know perfectly well how I’m doing, this is exactly why you’re here. But come on in. Do you want anything to drink?”
“Yeah, sure. Do you have coffee? I like mine black”, he says as he walks around and takes in everything in my home. I’m secretly hoping this isn’t a long visit. I’m already plotting to see how I can get rid of him. He’s annoying af.
“So, where’s your friend? You guys are always hanging out together.”
“Oh him? He almost came, but I felt like I’d come instead…alone.”
“Good”, I replied. His friend is more annoying and both of them together is a nightmare.
Too lazy to really heat up a pot of fresh water, I instead took out a cup from the cupboard and put tap water in it. I put it in the microwave to heat up for 2 minutes. After making small talk with my visitor, I added instant coffee and handed it to him. We both walked to the living room and sat down. He looked across the room at me which felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was totally relaxed or just waiting to see what I would say next. I can play that game too.
I look at him for a long time without saying anything. We both know what each other is thinking. I break the silence.
“I’ve been going through a lot. I have a lot on my plate right now. ”
“I know”, he says as he takes a sip of his coffee.
“Wait, are you reading my tweets on Twitter?” I ask innocently. Of course, he’s reading my tweets.
“Ok, ok. You got me. I do read your tweets. That’s why I’m here. To see how you really are. ”
“Well, to be perfectly honest, I have to deal with you. You and I know what’s going on between us. How are we going to deal with this? I told you I don’t want you in my life, but you keep showing up. This month has been bad too. Especially the past 2 weeks. ”
“Geez. What about me don’t you like?”
“Are you serious?”, I sarcastically ask. “I don’t like how you make me feel. You make me feel confused. You’re the reason I stay up late at night. You’re the reason why I want to be left alone to think things over…and over. There’s going to be a lot of life changes in the coming year and you’re not making it any easier.”
“I know what you need. You need a plan. Maybe that will help?”
“That’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m thinking of my backup plans. With my knee in pain, I’m not sure if my current job is a good fit anymore. Maybe I should stick to an office type of job. I have to start looking for another apt when my lease ends in December. Do I buy a home here in Colorado or move out of State after 4 years?”
“I’m sorry”, he quietly says. “I know I’ve been coming around a lot lately, but this is the first time you’ve let me in to actually talk to you.”
“I just don’t know how to deal with you sometimes. You’ll always be a part of my life and I knew especially this year, you’d come around a lot.”
“Listen, all I can say is ask advice from people who are much older than you. Wiser, if you will. See what they have to say.” He gets up to walk towards the window and stares out into the courtyard taking the last sips of his coffee. After a minute, he turns around and puts his coffee cup down on the table.
“Do you mind if I come back again Thursday?” he softly asks.
“Yeah, I actually do mind. I’ll be busy and I have a doctor’s appointment that day. I really, really don’t want any visitors, especially you. I just want to come home and rest and go from there.” It feels good to say that to him. He’s heard this many times before and sometimes he listens, other times he comes anyways.
I walk him to the door. We don’t hug. There are no cheek kisses either. I feel the chill in the air and admire the blue sky above. He turns around and walks away and disappears around the corner.
His name is “uncertainty”.
He’s not a real person, of course. He’s a feeling. The feeling of uncertainty.
Sometimes we all need to train our minds to keep out negative thoughts or as in this case, we need to deal with it and find out the reason why these feelings come often. To replace or do something that will help with feelings of uncertainty is a process. Everyone wants consistency and when life throws a fast one on you, it can make you feel unbalanced and a bit stressed.