Dear Journal: July 12, 2016 A dying yellow rose

*This blog entry is more of a self analysis of how far I’ve come and how I deal with things. This is why I write so that I can look back and learn how I handled things. ALL comments welcomed, especially from my subscribers who have followed me for years.*

Dear Journal,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. The past six months have been such a learning experience. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I’ve ever thought I was. I’ve learned that I have immense patience and can perform under pressure. I’ve also learned that the truth always comes out at the end no matter how hard or sneeky my coworkers people may think they are.

Taking time off from blogging to enjoy the many adventures life offers here in Colorado has been much needed. Things are great in all areas of my life and I’m happy and content. I have great friends who are there to support me and a precious 15 year old son who brightens my day and who teaches me new things like the Pokemon Go game that has taken over the world. I’m a freakin’ dinosaur and 100 years old, so I had no clue this game was coming out and now I want to drive everywhere so he can catch some at the park. I think the game is great because it’s getting kids out to explore the parks and not be inside all day. Exploring and being outside is normal for my son and I. I love nature and I think I’ve instilled that in him because he loves taking pictures of flowers and little bugs he finds on our hikes. Watching his fascination with the smallest things in nature is marveling and inspiring.

I met this fascinating woman when I first started my new job. Cicily is one of those people who is pure sunshine when she walks into a room. We got along immediately and we bonded by discussing books (she’s an author), life in general, ping ponged sarcasm back and forth to each other and of course, our love for music. We worked side by side for a few months before her cancer returned and she had to stop working. I’ve had to deal with my own grief watching my own mom go through remission off and on in a period of ten years. That journey was long, yet it gave me time to get prepared in some way. However, when my mom passed away, it was somewhat sudden within 72 hours. With Cicily, it’s been over a course of 4 months. At first, I wasn’t sure how I was handling this the past few months. I kept thinking, “I want to help her, but am I emotionally strong? Can I do this? This is bringing me a few steps backwards from what I’m trying to do in dealing with my own grief.” I had mixed emotions. There were moments I would be driving and I would burst into tears knowing I was losing a friend. A dear friend. A single mom leaving behind 3 children. The cancer stopped, but then it came back with a vengeance that I had never seen before, even with my own mom. It was startling. My friend was so tired of all the treatments. She knew she had only a few months left. Her doctors said she would be lucky to see her birthday and this was back in late May. I was truly scared for her. Guess what? Her birthday is today. July 12th. Today we’re having a party for her at her house, but her organs are shutting down and all the signs of death is looming over her and this appears to be the right time when she has some energy left to share this day with all her loved ones. Death is so near. She knows it. We all know it. I’m so happy she’s come this far and is able to celebrate her last birthday. Over the course of the past months, I’ve sent her text messages and have visited her. Recently we discussed her funeral arrangements and about packing up her house. She knew I was familiar with this and wanted my opinion. Over the course of these months, I’ve had to mentally be strong. Not just for her, but for myself. If I was feeling emotionally fragile, I would not visit her that day. I needed to recharge and get it together. This whole situation has been tough. So recently when I was feeling great and felt like I could see her, I did fine. We talked about things, laughed and got down to business. Anyways, as my friend will say goodbye for the final time to her kids today at noon (they have to catch a plane), my heart can only imagine what she will be going through. Forever goodbyes are painful. After her party today and the days following, I am one of the people to help her with hospice and being with her for a few hours as others will be helping around the clock. I’ve never done hospice before. It’s all new to me.

People are brought into our lives for a reason. Even if it’s less than 8 months or so. What has Cicily taught me in knowing her for such a short time? I’ve come to realize that she has shown me that I am strong. Emotionally. More than I have given myself credit for. She has taught me to never settle for less and always remember I deserve better in anything and everything. She’s taught me the ability to ask myself tough questions even if I already know the answer to them.

She also wanted yellow roses for her funeral as they are her favorite flowers.

me169300

Yes, that’s me after waking up. My brain is slowly turning it’s squeaky wheels after a foggy realization that I’m taking a selfie. Probably one of my favorite selfies because I’m in a vulnerable (this what you get seeing me in the morning lmao) and natural state. My hair is messy, I’m not wearing makeup and my eyeliner from last night remains reminding me that I can still stay awake out late at 3 am. My red bed sheets keep me warm as they appear to swallow me back into dreamland. My son said I look 12. My friends say 19 or 20. Lmao. This was taken July 1, 2016.

Xoxoxo!

13 thoughts on “Dear Journal: July 12, 2016 A dying yellow rose

  1. When we can take all things in our stride, we are certainly in a good space. This is how you sound to me, Amanda; like a woman who has grown through pain.
    What a very lucky woman is Cicily to have you for a friend. And I’m sure you feel you have been lucky in return… ๐Ÿ™‚
    xoxoxo

    1. Thank you Carolyn! I didn’t forget about your email, I promise I will write you. ๐Ÿ™‚ I love how you stated how we take things in stride. That is true of me the past year. I’ve learned when you take life in stride, you are able to see more of the situation instead of fleeting thoughts and spur of the moment emotions, which can cause mistakes in decisions. Everything in doses for me. It’s hard sometimes, especially if I’m upset about something, but I now know I can distract myself and not stay upset for too long. My personality doesn’t stay upset very long anyways (I’m a total Gemini we move quickly to the next thing), hehe. I’m seeing Cicily tomorrow after work. Two of my coworkers and supervisor are seeing her. We don’t know how much longer she’ll have. This whole watching her die before my eyes has been a new experience. In a weird twist of fate, it has also healed me with my mother’s death. I’ve felt her spirit through this and I’ve realized I’ve become stronger this past year. It’s been eye opening to see how people view death and go through it knowing they won’t here much longer. It’s still difficult and I try everyday to make sure I tell people I care about how much they mean to me and how I value their friendship. I’m very expressive when it comes to verbally telling people how much they are appreciated, it comes naturally to me and I love doing it. I’m not shy when it comes to that because it’s so important for people to hear they are appreciated. That is what Cicily has taught me even more since this whole hospice situation. Thank you for always being sweet to me. It does not go unnoticed. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. My heart aches for you. I am so glad your friend has you! You are so wonderful to be there for her. I wish you the best in getting through this. Cry, write, cry so more, write more. ๐Ÿ™‚ I enjoy your pictures and so glad you could travel lots. I have not got into the Pokeman thing or my boys. It does look interesting seeing all the people walking around the parks. ๐Ÿ™‚ Terrific picture! I say 20! ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs.

    1. You’ve always had a compassionate heart. How do you say goodbye for the last time? What do you talk about? Cicily and I talk about stupid things, gossip, laugh, giggle yet at the same time there is a certain awkwardness I feel. Usually I’ve been able to hold it together all the times I’ve seen her, but if she breaks out in an epic life advice, I will certainly cry my eyeballs out. I’m doing ok though. Keepin’ busy and being the best mom I can be to my son. He needs an emotionally healthy mommy, so I make sure we hang out, laugh a lot and make memories. ๐Ÿ™‚ Did you say 20? Bless you!!!!!

      1. Thank you. Yes I said 20! ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs to you for being a great friend in such a difficult time. I’m sure your son knows you are a good mom just going through a tough time right now. ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. Yeah he does. We make sure to laugh everyday and joke around. We love going out and exploring and spending time with each other. He’s growing up so fast. I’m putting all our time in my memory time bottle. Luckily, he’s growing into a lovely young man full of respect, politeness, virtue and goofiness. ๐Ÿ‘

      3. We watch silly movies too. It’s also good to rant or have a good friend to listen too. I’ve been in good spirits lately. I feel like finally justice is being served and I have an army of people supporting me. It’s a good feeling. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  3. You are strong as steel and a wonderfully compassionate friend. Those two things combined will see you through anything. If you believe in Karma, as your mention of it tells me you do, those two traits you hold in abundance will be your guiding light to peace. Be well friend.

    1. Strong as steel. I love that! Thank you my dear friend. I’m doing fine. Tomorrow we see my friend and I hope it’s not the last time. Hopefully we will all joke around and talk about stupid stuff. Cicily is sarcastic as they come and she’s pretty funny too. We had a party at her house for her birthday last week and it was pretty fun. Thank you for saying I’m compassionate. I would say I’m a feeler. I also feel deeply when someone goes through something. It’s the ENFJ in me I suppose. ๐Ÿ˜›

  4. dear one, you have endured so much pain…within and without…you must be diamond-hearted by now…and a brave soul

    brave souls face such suffering with compassion and love rather than sinking, shrinking back from the world.

    I understand watching the dance with death as it comes closer to one you cherish. it is a tiring dance, not like tangoing the night away…but more like a stiff, jolting, awkward waltz, with unnatural dips every once in awhile to throw everyone off.

    and the one moment one stops breathing…it always feels sudden, no matter how long the dance. I cannot but believe that these sharp trials continue to cut a finer jewel within, and you will continue to be refined as beautiful a soul as your face appears.

    if I were there, I would hold you in my arms.

    1. Thank you. My soul mind and spirit has never been so tested as it has the past few weeks. I’m a little tired. Finding ways to replenish myself the healthy way. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs, so I do outdoor activities or call a friend. A hug is much needed these days. I miss my mom….

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