Thanks for the inspiration. I will miss you.

Dear Mom,

Yesterday was a month since you passed away. I stayed by your bed in the ICU rubbing your head, stroking your arms and massaging your feet. I’m so glad you had a small time where you could communicate with me and your grandson. Your last words were “I love you too” and “It’s ok. I’m alright.” I knew eventually this time would come, but like people say, it’s never easy. I thought I had emotionally prepared myself for this day after 8 years, but it came so fast and unexpected. I didn’t say much to you. Everything I ever wanted to say to you I had already said all my life growing up. I knew you knew exactly what I was thinking just by how I was gently touching you. You always said I had a gentle touch. I couldn’t sleep. I only had one hour of sleep the night before because I was so afraid I’d wake up to someone saying you passed away. I thought I was going to pass out due to lack of eating, drinking and lack of sleep as I was massaging your feet. I wanted to just close my eyes for a few minutes by the time 11:20 am rolled around. It was Thanksgiving Day. Someone came rushing out to the ICU waiting room to say your bp was low and you were quickly deteriorating. Your grandson and I ran to the side of your bed just in time for me to say one more time I loved you, thank you for adopting me and giving me the most incredible upbringing and to say hi to grandfather. It was just a second after I said those words you breathed your last breath and passed away. I’ve never seen anyone die before. You were my first. And my mother. All the color left your body. You were still. You were cold. But we still threw our bodies across your chest and hugged you. You were finally in peace. Out of pain.

We returned back home. No turkey for us. Everyone else was celebrating a huge dinner and we were alone with our emotions. I made shepards pie and we watched a movie. I got a headache from the lack of sleep and went to bed. The following days were quite busy preparing for your burial and memorial service. I started to make you a video, but became so emotional while doing it I began to weep. I shut my laptop off and sat on my bed crying. You were always such a huge part of my photography. Part of me died when you left this earth. Then, I had a warm feeling on my back like I’ve never felt before. It was unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. The warm sensation felt like someone/something was rubbing my back as if in comfort. It felt amazing. I then felt better and decided I would continue with the video another time. I came back to finish my video last night.

Life since then has been ok. I hadn’t felt good after your burial and found out by my doctor I had bronchitis. I also think I sprained my ankle a few days ago so I am limping around. Going back to work has been hard. I should win an Oscar for putting on a brave face and working with my clients when deep inside I am still grieving. It was during my work hours when I’d have lunch we’d call each other and we’d make plans for the weekend. Everyone has been so supportive.  I even got a gift basket from the President and Vice President of the company. People said your memorial service was beautiful too. I’ve gotten sympathy cards from a lot of people. You touched so many lives during your years. I’ve written back personal thank you cards to each person. I’m still not finished. By the way, mom, someone is interested in buying your house. As soon as I get everything out, I’ll make sure it’s in good shape for the next person. I’m also planning to give away your electric scooter and van scooter lifter to a missionary in Africa who might need it. I’m very excited about that as missionary work was a part of your life. I know how hard it was for you to get around and that electric scooter really helped bring life into your youthful heart. I hope it brings the same to someone else who truly needs and deserves it.

The songs I chose for this video were selected for very personal reasons. “Stay Alive” by Jose Gonzalez pretty much sums how I will live my life. Doing things that make me happy. Which is to continue taking photographs, being with your grandson, going on adventures and seeing The Grand Canyon-remember, you said you wanted to go back but with us. I will do my best to fulfill that wish of yours and see for myself, one of the wonders of this earth. Adventure Boy and I went to your grave the day after Christmas, as that is when you have your birthday. Your burial plot is still settling. We left you something and took away the dead plants left there from someone else. I know you’re in heaven, but there’s comfort in being near you. Afterwards to smile a bit, Adventure Boy and I went to see “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” and it was amazing! You would have loved it too! I think people who live and breathe photography would “understand” what this movie is about completely. I heard a song on there that I knew instantly I would use on this video I made for you. Hence, Stay Alive was chosen. I also chose “Into Eternity” by Brian Tyler. This song was used in the scene where the Queen was buried in the movie “Thor: The Dark World” and it was so beautiful and touching. You are my forever queen and I wanted to leave this video fit for a queen, hence the song “Into Eternity”.

Thank you for being a part of so many of my photographs. I would always be excited to show you what I captured. It’s amazing how you were right there with me or only a few yards away with most of my pictures. I took so many from around your house. We sure had a lot of fun vacations, outings and Sunday strolls didn’t we? I’ll miss those moments too. You would always smile and say, “Oh hun, that’s beautiful!”. I will miss hearing you say that as well.

I miss you and I love you. Until we meet again.



** If the video freezes, go directly to my Vimeo profile and watch it there.

41 thoughts on “Thanks for the inspiration. I will miss you.

  1. Joseph Michael

    I’m so sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you!! Even though we have never met personally, I still feel you are a friend! You are in my prayers!

  2. So beautiful written by you! I know that she would like it!
    She’s not dead she lives in your memories and have just leave this world to live in a another world. You’ll meet again. 🙂

    1. It is hard. Losing her on Thanksgiving, not having her around for Christmas and her birthday the next day, it’s all an avalanche of holidays without her all rolled up in one heartbreaking 4 weeks. 😦 It took a lot of energy to just write this blog. I’ve felt very unmotivated to blog or even take pictures the past weeks. But very motivated to read more and watch movies. I’ve fallen in love with that Ben Stiller movie, “The Secret Life of Walter Smitty”. Wow. That movie spoke to me in ways a movie never could. It’s just what I needed to see. I’ll buy the movie and watch it several times next year and the years to follow to remind me, that life does go on and we are always striving to find ourselves and better ourselves. Thanks for your prayers.

    1. Thanks. 😦 I could’ve used more photographs, but it would have been a one hour video. Lol. I have so many pictures, but I wanted to use some pictures I had used for WordPress Photo Challenges. Thanks for your comment and support during this difficult time. You’re a true friend.

    1. Amanda, your comment made me feel good. I wanted my post to be emotional. I wanted people to try to understand what I was feeling and you got it. She was a wonderful lady. The post could have been much longer. Thanks for your comment.

  3. ahardrain

    My deepest condolences. There is nothing in this world that is harder then losing a close loved one. There is not one day that goes by when a sweet memory or heartache succumbs me missing my wonderful parents. Hang in there.

    1. Awww, thank you so much my friend! You’ve proven to be a consistent friend to me this year. Looking forward to more blog posts from you! I always find them interesting! 🙂

    1. Her kind words of love, encouragement and inspiration for life is what I wanted to capture. Everything that life brings to us in regards to emotions, what we hear, smell, taste, see and experience is what inspires me. I will continue capturing things as long as I am here on earth. Here’s to a great 2014 Jean! I’m so glad I met you this year! We are like sisters! 😀

      1. Sisters. I love that. The comment had a double meaning. Your photos are so beautiful. If they were inspired by her, I can see how beautiful she was.

    1. Thank you Drew, that means a lot. She inspired me through her words of encouragement and love. I will miss hearing her voice. She was always so proud of me and my pictures. Thanks for being one of my new friends that I made this year here on WP. Here’s to a great 2014!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    1. Indeed I was. 🙂 I’m thrilled you stopped by Philip! 😛 Thanks for your support, care and encouragement these past 4 weeks. It has really helped me get through it. I’m lucky to have amazing friends. Nice quote, btw. And very true…… Oh, and cheers on our 2 year anniversary being friends here on WP!

  4. Thanks for sharing your thoughts … and I can imagine many tears passed while writing this. Just so you know, through the hurt I felt positives and strength in your words … so stay strong!

    1. Tears? How did you know? 😦 Yes, I shed tears writing this blog because it’s so personal to me. I didn’t HAVE to write it, but it was only fair to my subscribers and new subscribers of why I was gone or hadn’t stopped by their blogs. It’s hard to grieve in public. I had a break up earlier last year and that was very hard too, but I didn’t write about it. I just kept blogging as usual, but deep inside my heart was broken into a million pieces. My mom was a huge part of my photography, I only felt this was a public way of me saying farewell to her and writing how wonderful she was. Thanks for your words. I’m hanging in there. Each day is different. :/ I’m happy to know you can see my strength in my writing. I didn’t realize it until you pointed it out! Wow 🙂

  5. Steve

    Dear Cid

    I know its been along time since we have had a conversation for a while… though I have been quietly admiring and reading your blog from a far… I obviously missed your journal about when your dear mother passed.

    I just wanted to say a few words to pass on my sincerest condolences to you, that with all that you have done and gone through, knowing that this was the biggest test of them all…

    May the Lord that I follow, just ask for Him to comfort you in these coming days, to keep you as you will continue to honor your mothers memory through your life, your thoughts, your blog and through your dreams.

    All the best for 2014 and rest assured haven’t stopped thinking about you my friend


    Steve from “The Land of the Long White Cloud” aka Land of the Lord of the Rings

    1. Hey Steve! The last time we spoke on the phone was several years ago, I had miscalculated the hours that you were ahead of me (I was off by 2 hours). I apparently woke up a very grouchy Steve on the phone! I was so scared, I never called you again, hehe. Anyways, good to hear from you my dear friend! How’s New Zealand treating ya? I still plan to visit Hobbit Land someday with my son. We are both huge LOTR fans! Thank you for the lovely comment and condolences. I appreciate that. I think most people think I’m curled up in a fetal position crying all day, but I’m not. I’m quite busy during the day and keep myself entertained by reading more. I got some paint brushes, oil and two canvases to paint. Painting is a stress reliever, passion of mine that I haven’t done much. I’m really happy I have friends such as yourself who truly care and share their thoughts with me. It has meant the world to me and I know I’ll look back at this blog in the future and see who was there by my side. I have other people who correspond to me in person, via my personal emails, phone calls etc, so that has helped me too. I’m looking forward to this year! I really am! I know there are some exciting things I’m preparing myself to do and to blog about it. Hugs to you my friend! – Cid.

    1. Hello the silent soul. I like your blog name! I’m glad you liked my post. I’m hanging in there. It means a lot that you asked. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment!!!

  6. It took me some time to get to this as I wanted to be able to give it my full attention. We were without any power/heat/hot water etc. until Christmas Eve morning and by the time I got to my emails I had a couple of hundred notifications of posts. I don’t believe I will ever catch up.
    This is a lovely tribute to your Mom and I am sure there was a great deal of healing going on during the writing and making of the video. You were so fortunate to have your Mom for as long as you did and to know her love and to be able to return it in kind. She will always be with you. She will always be a part of you. She will always be the warmth on your back.

    1. Oh no! I heard about the power outage and wondered how you were doing. That is scary! I do realize I was fortunate to have her as long as she held on. Her friends all died within 6 months and they had the same thing-stage 4 cancer. Some days are fine and other days like today when I’m not feeling well (sick), I miss her very much. 😦 Thanks for your comment my dear friend. Hugs

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